"I am Soaring Eagle of Whomp 'Em Tribe. I play Mega Man like wind of rushing river. Strong is my spear when Wily attack. I join here to share peace pipe and speak of game with white man Duke Togo. Secret name of Golgo 13."

" . . . . "

Mega Man 1. This is the game that introduced us to that little blue robot boy in the briefs, the stupidest evil genius alive, and the Mega Man Robot Naming Committee. The Mega Man Robot Naming Committee, or the MMRNC got together to create the very clever names for all of the evil robot masters in the game. For example, Elec Man and Guts Man are two products of their genius. This top secret team of naming experts consisted of a retarded kid with a tin foil space helmet and a little girl in a turtle costume that hardly speaks English and can only scream, "Gamera saves children!" But, armed with a bathtub-safe dictionary and her razor sharp wit, she was able to name Fire Man and Ice Man. "Fire Man is good! I want to be Fireman!" To get you pumped up and ready to play, here is a quote from the Mega Man Instruction Booklet regarding Monsteropolis and some very exciting challenges. "Resisting re-programming, MEGA MAN is chosen the defender of the universe and its inhabitants. MEGA MAN dares to single-handedly penetrate seven separate empires of Monsteropolis, eliminating the leaders and followers of these sovereignties. Get ready for some very exciting challenges!"

Mega Man

It's Mega Man. Or Rock Man, if you're Japanese. Regardless of his stupid name, he's our hero. His real, non superhero name is Rock, but when he puts on the blue hat and turns one of his chubby robot arms into a gun, he becomes Mega Man. He's one of Nintendo's toughest guys, especially at the end of his games when he has 30 different guns and secret devices. But as tough as he is, he never did figure out how to duck. You'll hardly notice though, since you'll probably be making fun of his 8 year old girl voice. But don't listen to me talk about Mega Man, I'll never be able to describe him as well as the Mega Man Instruction Booklet! "Each time MEGA MAN successfully out-duels each of his six foes, he acquires new firepower he will need as MEGA MAN enters final stage seven to defeat evil Dr. Wily." I'll never be as articulate as the Mega Man Robot Naming Committee.

Dr. Light

This is the guy who built Mega Man. He had a very successful career as a mall Santa, but was forced to go into hiding like all the others in his occupation after the Mall Santa massacres of 2057. He trained with Wily at the Institution of Evil Robotics (IER) for years. The charismatic Dr. Light joined a frat and became student body president during his second semester there. He was a member of the pep band, and graduated with honors even though he refused to make his robots evil. The morals he learned from his years as a Santa Clause were still very important to him. Shortly after school, he built his first two robotic pals, Rock and Roll. You'd be surprised how clever he thought this was.

Roll

Roll. This is Mega Man's sister. She shows up in this game at the very end when she and Dr. Light say, "Fight! Mega Man! For everlasting peace!" You never see her, but I'm pretty sure she can't do much anyway. Dr. Light used all the good parts to make Mega Man. Roll is mostly pieced together with Atari 2600's and vaccum cleaner parts. HINTS ON BEATING HER: When you enter in the secret code by plugging in the Power Pad and putting a fish on each sensor, you go to a mysterious new world where you must face your sister. She has only one bar of health and touching her doesn't hurt you. But she will shoot hearts at you that will make Mega Man feel far too much love and peace to fire his Mega Buster. Then she hits you with her Hyper Ass Strike and atomizes you. I still haven't figured out how to beat her.

Dr. Wily

The evil Dr. Wily. Evidentally, he is a threat to the universe and its inhabitants. I'm not saying I'm an expert on conquering worlds or galaxies, but it does seem like there are better ways to go about it. Wily, a graduate of IER, takes all of these stupid robots with ridiculous theme powers and sends them off to insanely dangerous parts of the world. To get to their homes, you have to go through miles of strange floating platforms and face little midgets hiding under army helmets. And their homes are big, poorly furnished square rooms where they sit and wait for a little blue boy to come kill them. Look out world, because Wily has a plan. A flawless plan. HINTS ON BEATING HIM: Hold on to the game controller. This will become difficult because you'll want to throw it at the screen after you kill his big machine and he pops out alive in a stupid little mini rocket saucer. Then you kill him again and he pops out in a little flying squirrel outfit. And this will go on and on. Just don't throw your controller. He's easier to beat with it in your hands.

Bomb Man

I don't know which is more fucked up, the fact that he pulls beachball sized bombs out of thin air, or the fact that he emulates the behavior of Mr. T. He's even got a little robotic red mohawk so he can look more like his hero. Once when I was controlling Mega Man, instead of killing Bomb Man, I started chatting with him about the A-Team. We ended up to be pretty good friends, but when he wasn't looking, I shot his face off with a Mega Buster shot. I had a universe to save, I can't sit around chatting with the fucking enemy. HINTS ON BEATING HIM: Not only does he share the same haircut as Mr. T, he shares the same weakness. Get him on a plane. Everyone knows Mr. T has a fear of flying. "I pity the fool that try n' get me on a plane, sucka!"

Cut Man

We always called him Cunt Man. He had scissors on his head which he would periodically take off to throw at Mega Man. "Feel the fury of the ultimate boomerang Cut Blade!" I'm glad the MMRNC didn't name him Scissor Man, because it wouldn't be very clever at all if I called a guy named Scissor Man "Cunt Man." It would just be crass. HINTS ON BEATING HIM: If you can't beat Cut Man, you should probably trade in your Nintendo for a nice paddle ball game.

Elec Man

It's hard to tell with the Mega Man Robot Naming Committee, but I think his full name is Electric Man. It's totally hip not to say all the syllables. You know, how people have names like "Jer." So we call him Elec Man and give him those handsome little gun points whenever we see him at parties. "Hey! Elec Man! How's that Elec Beam, baby?" But he's usually too busy with his martinis and hookers to notice you. Wily made this robot for lovin'! HINTS ON BEATING HIM: Don't get hit. His Elec Beam is fucking nasty.

Fire Man

The original concept drawings for this guy were a dalmation robot in a fireman's hat with water hoses for arms. Then the retarded kid in the tin foil space helmet said something about how stupid that was before he spit up on his Thudercats t-shirt. After this, the girl in the turtle costume jumped up from her chair and screamed, "Fire Man is pretty! Gamera is good! I name Fire Man because he has fire! Hot stuff is he!" And in the end, Capcom knew they had hired the best as their executives proudly looked in on the meeting through a one way mirror. HINTS ON BEATING HIM: Stop by the Extinguisher Man stage before this one to get the Flame Retardant Foam Beam. Fire Man hates that. And if you have the Gas Can you got from Gas Can Man, you can make Fire Man explode. Unfortunately, this kills Mega Man too.

Ice Man

Ice Man. A nice and effective name. I don't know why they didn't name him Moisto Man or Popsicle Man, maybe the naming committee had a surge of brain cells. The retarded kid drooled out something about eskimoes when they were discussing the cold little robot. The name was well received and the robot master was given the name Eskimo Man. But this name was deemed too insulting by native Alaskans. In fact, the whale blubber industry threatened to go on strike if the name was not changed. Capcom didn't want to start a global panic, so they did the responsible thing. They assassinated many icons of the Eskimo community. But in the end, they decided Eskimo Man was a dumb name, and felt kind of bad about all the senseless slaughtering. The families of the deceased received compensatory payments in the form of plush Mega Man baby mobiles specially designed to hang from an igloo ceiling. HINTS ON BEATING HIM: Throw a chunk of whale fat at him. He will be temporarily distracted and will ravenously tear into it with his teeth. If you injected it with the Sionide Spray you got from Poison Man, then that's all you have to do. Otherwise, just shoot him while he's eating. Sometimes it hits me how fucked up this game is.

Guts Man

It's not like I'm questioning the Mega Man Robot Naming Committee, but this one is really fucked up. In fact, I think Guts Man wins the Stupidest Robot Master Name Award! The competition was fierce, especially from Dive Man, but I think we'll all agree it went to the right place. This fabulous monicker, Guts Man, was a collaboration between the two members of the MMNRC when the turtle girl said they should have a Girl Man, and the space helmet mutant kid said they should have a Butts Man. Their compromise, obviously, was Guts Man. HINTS ON BEATING HIM: Make fun of his name. He's sensitive about it. Also, he is easily distracted with Laffy Taffy wrappers and shiny objects.

OUR REVIEW: GRAPHICS: 7. Soaring Eagle thought the evil robots looked so real, he destroyed three TVs while he was playing. But now that I think about it, he has a tendency to break appliances all the time and accuse them of being evil demon devices. Duke Togo, of course, said, ". . . ." about the graphics. FUN: 6. This game was made back when video games were meant to kick you in the ass and make you like it. So it has a tendency to piss you off enough to make it not fun. Soaring Eagle never even beat one evil robot master, but whenever I looked, he was holding the controller upside down and cursing some sort of animal totem. Duke Togo's enhanced spy reflexes allowed him to beat it on the first time through, and I think I even caught him smiling when he beat Wily. Then he had sex with four chicks and overthrew a Latin American government. NINTENDO LOGIC: 7. Wily's tactics for world domination were very Nintendo logical, as were his evil robot minions. However, most of the points from this rating come from the name "Guts Man."

WHAT WE'VE LEARNED: We learned a lot of new techniques for conquering the world that don't work. Although this is a common lesson from Nintendo games, we really get it shoved into our heads in this one. We also learned that everlasting peace only works if you're fighting, and that Roll is probably more a tool to make the game palletable to girls than an actual plot element. Don't listen to me though, I'm still pissed because she wouldn't sleep with me. She said she only dates robots. Bitch.

"When demon of magic box appear, I strike with spear at evil. Many fires escape, but Wily defeat. Spirit of Wolf and Bear within all."

" . . . . "