February 10th, 1999 - Even Christians Embarrassed by Falwell's Latest Statements
A successful cross breeding of Satan and a kid with Down's Syndrome years ago produced Rev. Jerry Falwell. His latest gift to the world is speaking out against the corrupting Teletubby program. He claims, although he's never seen the show, that Tinky Winky portrays a gay character. This brilliant deduction was formed by Jerry's crack team of Christian detectives after giving up on getting through the maze on the side of their cereal box. Evidentally, the character's purple color is the gay pride color. A local gay man, Combat Jehova, spat out, "God, I don't know. I have a really pretty purple pair of leather pants, but I never really heard anything about an official color. I do know that no self respecting gay man would ever touch that fat goblin monster."
These allegations are difficult to prove because of the Teletubbies' lack of genetalia. Experts say a gender is usually required in order to establish sexual orientation. And since no one really watches the show other than infants, drug users, and the team Jerry Falwell pays to, it's not like it fucking matters.
Other Christians too busy to knock on strangers' doors and offer them pamphlets noticed another indicator of Tinky Winky's homosexuality - he carries a purse. The show's writers responded with, "That's a magic bag. And besides, shouldn't you be attacking Mr. Rogers?! Now that guy was gay! And does Bert have to jam his dick into Ernie's ass before you go after them? That's some fucking obvious gay!"
In a recent poll concerning the Teletubby controversy, parents shrugged and said, "I'd rather have my boy grow up to be a drag performer with breast implants than to grow up to be Jerry Falwell." A poll of the gay community could not be taken since the video version of Tinky Winky and the Magic Flute was released that day, and all gay people were at home vigorously masturbating.
In a related story, Jerry Falwell arrested the Chicago Bulls, citing their red uniforms were obviously communist propaganda. He then locked Jesus up for promoting nudity by always hanging out on the cross without a shirt on. This rampage continued until people remembered he was just a mean little fat man nobody should really listen to.
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