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 Steven Fox, who was paid $3.9 million for getting shot. |
February 14th, 1999 - "That Shit Worked?" Asks the Gun Industry In a court case I recently announced as stupid, a wounded man was awarded almost $4 million, as the company who made a gun was held responsible when somebody shot him in the head with it. After hearing the news of this glorious victory for frightening logic, 1473 Americans blew their heads off in an effort to get rich quick. After the decision, a spokesman for the gun industry said, "I dare you to try to collect, you little pile of piss," while lovingly stroking a shotgun. Strangely famous radio personality, Dr. Laura Schlessinger, nearly read the first sentence of the article before jumping to her own conclusions. She shouted, "I may only be my kid's mom, but did these jurors ever stop to think it's the husband's fault?! If he could spend more time teaching his kids the dangers of bullets in the head rather than jumping on the nearest TRAMP he sees, we wouldn't have these problems!" She then removed her clothes and encouraged all children to sue God for manufacturing penises. The saga continued as a new bill was introduced to congress making every parking place in the country handicapped. Said Senator Ass, the bill's main supporter, "I think this court case has proven there no longer exists anyone in this country who isn't retarded." He has yet to decide on who he is going to take to court, but he says, "It will probably be those Quakers. I can't even pee in public because of all their damn rules." |
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