Some groups were against this poster even before Measure Nine was lobbied. No school teacher is telling students that homosexuality is a beautiful thing. It's not. The back of a man's ass (that's the part gay men want to have sex with) is one of the most horrible sights in the animal kingdom. And most lesbians make it their civic duty to look as awful as possible. Have you ever been at the barber at the same time as a lesbian? "Hey, make this part of my hair more lopsided, it's still not ugly enough. Also, tear the sleeves off this plaid shirt. No, not with the scissors, you walking penis. With your teeth. Make it look like I got hit by a lawnmower. I've got a rugby game later today and I want to look my worst." So it may not be a beautiful thing, but it is at least a thing. Not teaching kids about it isn't going to help anyone. In fact, if you don't ever tell them what it is, you're going to find two little boys having sex, and they won't be embarrassed. They'll call you over, "We invented a new game! It's called Buttball!" In a worst-case scenario you might come across an entire team of Buttball players with homemade jerseys and helmets playing for the Buttball state championships against another school. And someone had better tell these kids that what they're doing is sex before they start letting their teams' animal mascots get in the game. The people who lobbied for the measure must know what homosexuality is, and it didn't make them gay. In fact, it was that knowledge of gays that led to their hatred that led them to becoming ambitious nazi lobbyists they are today. If they didn't know men were out there humping each other, they'd still be aimlessly drifting through life, maybe sticking their head out the window every now and then to smash a mailbox. Will posters like this be banned by Measure Nine? Some say yes. Because although it does not clearly promote a homosexual lifestyle, it is without a doubt totally fucking gay. Teaching children about gay doesn't make them gay. You could show them a detailed graph about gay people having sex and it still wouldn't make them gay. It's just like how teaching them about Benjamin Franklin does not make them Benjamin Franklin unless they're Benjamin Franklin for a school play, but that fucks up all our statistics because everyone in the school play has four penises inside them at any time. That logic aside, the scariest part of measure 9 is how the hate groups want to make learning about AIDS illegal. Hate groups, that's not going to help it go away. It's transferred through our genitals and blood, not our imaginations. If they want to get rid of everything that relates to gays, they're going to have to start protesting male cheerleading and someone's going to have to fire a lot of female gym coaches. Wrestling will also have to go since two men rubbing against each other on a mat is basically a faithful recreation of a gay cocktail party. It's hard to talk about AIDS without telling kids to be homos. Some gay people have AIDS, and when learning about a disease, it's important to not only list everyone who has it, but also who they're fucking and why you should join them. Still, children should learn about AIDS even if it means learning other things in the process. I'm just happy gay people don't know how to read, or people would be trying to ban literacy from schools. Here's how important it is that kids are educated about AIDS: in some parts of Africa, more people have HIV than don't. That means by the time Time-Life releases a CD compilation of the Greatest Hits of the Zeroes, an entire half a continent will be dead and not because the We Are The World money ran out, because this is a damn planet-scarring plague. I'm pretty sure God wants our kids to know about a disease that is systematically destroying life on His planet faster than Darth Vader and McDonald's coffee combined. Some people might say this measure doesn't matter and parents can take care of sex education at home. No one at my school told me what a gay was. In grades one through three, the only subject we had was something our teacher called "Romper Hop" where the students all took off their clothes and did jumping jacks while he took polaroids. In fourth grade things drastically changed. We took field trips to a special empty room every day to tell a man named "officer" about the first three years of our education. Not once did they tell us what homosexuality or any other words meant, and we all seemed to turn out fine. To read more about Measure Nine, visit its official website and enter to win the Measure Nine Winter Extreme Sweepstakes. It's a mess of confusion and contradiction, so I'll save you some time and point you to the most entertaining part of the measure 9 drama: some smartasses raised enough money to get sarcastic supportive arguments printed in the voters' pamphlet. Here are a couple... NO SPECIAL RIGHTS FOR LEFTS! ...and... OYSTERS ARE UNCLEAN AND AN ABOMINATION

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