October 16th, 2000 Nike Chainsaw Massacre When parent groups and feminists don't like something, they decide no one else should be able to see it. For example, have you ever tried chocolate covered asparagus? Of course not, because some rich lobbyist didn't like how it tasted and found a verse in the Bible that said, "God hates chocolate covered asparagus." These people are professionals at making fools of themselves and turning those embarrassing problems into government/corporation policy. And if their brains were little race cars, last month they sent them into the garage to get them outfitted with Nitrous Retard. There were so many angry letters and editorials about a Nike commercial that NBC took it off the air. You might have seen it during the Olympics. It came on right after the inspirational stories about how a swimmer bravely overcame hardship*. The commercial was a spoof of horror films where a chainsaw murderer attacked Olympic runner Suzy Hamilton and she was in good enough shape to outrun him. At the end, it helped idiots uncover the hidden meaning with the words "Why Sport? Because you'll live longer." (collage pictured above courtesy of Salon.com) Evidently, some people took this to mean, "HEY KIDS: KILL PEOPLE AFTER YOUR PARENTS LEAVE." * Fun Hardship Facts: In one common motivational Olympic story, a swimmer's grandmother fell and hurt her arm several years ago. The brave part of the story is that the swimmer didn't forget how to swim fast in the face of the heart-breaking tragedy. Most people only wish they could be so intestinally fortitudinal. Including me. Last year, my cat got sick and I completely lost my ability to wear oversized shoes. That's why I didn't qualify for the United States Clown team, and why the short featurette film of my hardship was entitled, "The Clown who Lost his Laugh" Or how it was called in Japan, "Cat Urinary Infection Removes Forever-Smile: Tentacle Penetration Party." Please note: Clown picture found by searching for word "clown" on Internet. I apologize to this child for the unauthorized use of the photo and for the many other problems this picture shows he/she clearly suffers from. Before I go on, I'd like to thank the parent groups and feminists for getting the commercial off my TV. My remote's been broken for weeks, and I've lost my ability to decide what to watch. Especially all the commercials I tune in to see and never leave the room during. All the Nike haters' hard work has payed off too! I haven't killed or chainsawed anyone since the commercial's removal. Neither have several other TV-watchers I know. The main complaint morons had about the spot was that it was "offensive to women." That's right, there are a significant number of angry consumers that drank enough mercury to somehow think that a woman escaping from a maniac is offensive to women. Which forces us to ask the timeless question: how did someone that god damn stupid even know which side of the TV to watch? To my knowledge, this scene from Friday the 13th was not taken off the air by Nike. Violence experts say it's because in this one, Jason catches the co-ed and strangles her to death instead of her performing a daring and offensive escape. It was not without its own share of controversy, though. The movie was protested by many members of the National Association to Advance Fat Acceptance because they were too fat to fit in the theatre seats. Are the groups offended that she ran from Jason? Do they think Suzy should have stayed and punched an invincible chainsaw murderer? Maybe it's offensive to women because a man would have kicked his ass. Let me tell you something: Bruce Willis would run from Jason. I don't know if women groups are aware of this, but chainsaws tear human flesh apart when you touch them, even if that human flesh is liberated and politically correct. And Christ... she got away from Jason. There are entire staffs of camp counselors with flame throwers that couldn't do that. What the fuck does a woman have to do to be tough? Knock the Terminator out with a tampon? Maybe they were offended because Suzy Hamilton was wearing a sports bra when she was attacked in her home. I might be wrong here, but that was probably to show she was a runner. It's kind of offensive that she has boobs and you can see the skin just 8 inches above and below them; maybe Nike should have removed her breasts before filming began and put her in something more appropriate for a runner. Like an evening gown, or a costume that looks like a giant piece of fruit. Forget that it's ridiculous logic, and that you should never listen to someone who gets involved enough in shoe commercials to start writing letters. Assume they're right for a minute. Even if a woman saving her own life in this one particular ad is offensive to women, the last thing women should ever get mad at is Nike. There is nothing tougher on the planet than a chick in a Nike commercial. Nike has done more for female empowerment than powerful men wanting to have sex with them and pink machine guns combined. Hit yourself in the head if you have to, because I want you to pretend this commercial is offensive for another couple minutes. It doesn't matter if this commercial told you to pour acid on a leper. There are more important Nike-related things to worry about. Nike buys children from Taiwanese mothers and chains them to sewing machines to make their shoes. Then they spend 8 million dollars to have Michael Jordan hold them up to his face and smile. If you enjoy math, you've probably already taken out a calculator and figured out that they could use that Michael Jordan money to get Erik Estrada to tell us how nice the shoes are and use the other $7,999,983 to hire workers that aren't forced to eat their own dead. Continue: Nike Haters... Editorialize!

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