Hi! I'm the worst prize anyone has ever gotten in a snack! Collect my balls!
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In non-monster related news, a 41 year old machine operator named Juan Sanchez-Marchez was living a normal life. He enjoyed his job and he enjoyed the invigorating taste of Ora Potency Fruit Punch. But one day his fruit punch was more potent than usual. Two thirds through the bottle, Juan noticed that someone had PUT THEIR HUMAN PENIS IN HIS JUICE. And with breath that you know had to smell like tropical fruits and dick, he called the police.
At the start of the investigation, Elaine Rowe, a spokeswoman for the police said, "For us it's a mystery. We don't know if there is a crime involved." As if she knew of some fucking legal way to get a penis into fruit punch. I don't care if someone voluntarily cut it off themselves and put it there in front of the president of the juice company; once someone's genitals gets into fruit punch and that punch isn't clearly labeled "Warning: This is cock juice," it's a crime.
The first policeman on the scene held up the juice's prize and announced to the crowd, "Everyone said my idea for a Special Cock Operations Unit was a waste of budget. Now who's laughing? You're looking at a 20 ounce bottle of fruit-flavored severed penis. In other words, you're in my world now. Watch where you tread; this is Special Cock Operations turf. You! You over there, hands against the wall! I'm going to have to check your drinks for dismembered genitals."
The largest roadblock in the investigation is the fact that the penis is only three inches long. That means that if they ever do find its owner, he's probably not going to admit that it's his. "The penis is only three inches? No... no, man. That's not mine. When you find mine, you'll need like three cops to carry it back here! Oh hey wait, before you go, could find out if anyone almost drank my missing pillow case?"
As a comedian, this affects my life significantly. Do you have any idea of how much joy a person could spread to the world if drinks had dicks? Think how funny it is when someone is drinking, gets shocked, and spit-takes all over their friends. Now imagine the fantastic world of possibility where they would also be spitting out a human penis. For example...
SCENE 17: Chandler and Joey are in the coffee shop discussing poontang. Joey takes a sip of coffee as Ross enters.
ROSS
"Chandler, Joey. I got Rachel pregnant."
JOEY
"SPSHHH!"
Chandler is hit by a severed penis launched out of Joey's mouth.
CHANDLER
"Um, could I BE more covered in dick? I feel like I'm at an Erasure concert on free lawnmower night."
ROSS
"You seem high strung, Chandler. Maybe you should switch to decaf genitals."
Joey and Ross laugh. Phoebe enters on a donkey that slips on a banana peel.
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Above: One likely side effect of adding penises to fruit punch.
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There are other important questions that need to be asked about this case. First, why did Juan Sanchez-Marchez, a machine operator, need a potency drink? Was he operating a machine that doesn't perform correctly until the operator has a huge hard-on? Or maybe "machine operator" is just a euphamism for someone humping a robot. But why Juan needed an erection at work isn't as pertinent as another issue, which is the danger this juice could have caused me. You all know that drinking normal fruit punch will cause the Kool-Aid man to burst through a nearby brick wall and scream. And that drinking tropical fruit punch means he bursts through the wall in sunglasses. So what will happen if you drank severed wang fruit punch? I'll tell you what would happen-- the Kool-Aid man would burst through the wall with his dick hanging out unleashing a sexual rampage your mind and pelvis may never possibly comprehend.
Bad news for people looking to make exotic cock jewelry: several days into the investigation, the police figured out it wasn't a dick. Just like with Japan's underwater dinosaur, know-it-all scientists took away everyone's fun. They discovered that the human penis was actually just a blob of human-penis-shaped bacterial mold. Cheer up though, it hasn't been exactly identified by FDA forensic laboratories yet, so it still could be a miniature ecosystem made up of tiny penises, or maybe the penis of a creature made out of bacterial mold.
And whether it's a hacked off chunk of man or a sick practical joke played by bacteria: nature's tiniest pranksters, they both have a good case at being more disgusting than the other. I don't think Juan Sanchez-Marchez breathed a sigh of relief when the examiner told him, "Good news! It's not a real cock. It's just a mysterious unidentified mold that looks like a cock. Call us if you grow a tail, we've got to go investigate an ass some kid found in his Tang."
You might think this event would be the end of Ora Potency Fruit Punch, but companies can recover from this type of thing. Hell, Jack in the Box spent the nineties killing children with cheeseburgers and they're still selling their unique blend of meat, cheese, and feces. It's possible that the whole scandal could be a good thing for Ora. Because if you had to pick one thing that would prove a fruit punch's potency, you'd pick spontaneously growing its own penis. This juice could fuck you so hard it would make an 80 year old man standing next to you pregnant.
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