Name's Ash. Housewares.

Alright, listen up you primitive screwheads. This is Ash. When confronted with a winged demon swooping down to swallow the souls of an army of knights in armor, Ash calmly points his shotgun at it, and blows it's evil dead head off. The damn Deadites should know better than to mess with him by now. If he isn't breaking one in half over his leg, he's sawing one's head off with Buzz, his wonder-chainsaw.

This is a man who can take a '73 Oldsmobile, and with medieval equipment, in one night, turn it into the steam powered Death Coaster!!! That armored car with a helicopter blade killed deadites almost as fast as Ash's bare hands. And do the Deadites really want to mess with someone who can fly through a car windshield and hit a tree with his head and then get up and run? Are they aware that Ash can reload his shotgun with his mind? Maybe if they saw Ash leap ten feet straight into the air and catch Buzz with his stump of a right hand and then start it on the first try, they would think twice about rising from their grave.

"These were creatures of violence and terror. Creatures that knew only evil. But bad? No sir. They ain't seen bad. Bad is a Y-8 452 Super Charger, bored out to the mad. Bad is twenty-eight hundred pounds of screamin' Detroit steel, comin' at ya in overdrive. How fast was I goin'? Real fast. Ya don't argue with a 9600 rpm Ginsu Knife. Ain't it a cherry? The pistons were seizin' up a bit, but what do you expect when yer usin' ox grease when the job calls fer 10-W 40."

Ash doesn't want to be mean. He would have just left the cabin with his girlfriend if he didn't have to lop her head off with a shovel. He still was just going to leave until her possessed head grabbed hold of his hand with her teeth. Now ash has to cut her head up with a chainsaw. But it doesn't stop there. He has to cut his own evil hand off and replace it with that same chainsaw. It's no wonder he's a little upset. Don't worry about Ash though, if anyone can get around with only one hand, it's him. Groovy.

"Like yer history books will tell ya. There's no greater morale builder than superior firepower."

"The decisive factor in the great battles has always hinged on having the technological edge. The better mousetrap. The Roman's use of bronze over crude iron. The longbow in the invasion of Normandy. Or was it... Waterloo? How the hell am I supposed to know? I never had time to do all the studyin' like you rich kids did." "Some of us had to work for a livin'. Stockin' the shelves at the S-Mart, so they're nice and neat as you please, when you rich kids come in to spend Daddy's money." "We pulled the gas tank out of her and Baldy welded me a boiler. He couldn't spell D-O-G but he was hellfire with that hammer. Retrofitting the compressor was a sonofabitch. Don't even ask about the drive train." "I told the wiseman to stow his potions and snake oils. We needed somethin' with a little spark. A little Boom-Boom. He had sulphur and charcoal up the ying-yang. What I needed was the salt-peter. I improvised with a little antifreeze and cow dung. There'd be no time to test it. It'd have to work the first time."

The only thing Ash is faster at than killing Deadites is romancing the women. Maybe it's the proven correlation between sex and violence, or maybe the women he runs into are just really grateful for their safety. There's just something about his ability to send corpses back to their grave that makes him the Super Mack Daddy of Deadite Destruction. You go, Ash!

"Hail to the King, baby."

If you want to get on Ash's good side. Don't throw him in an undead filled pit. He's just gonna kill all the Deadites and when he climbs out, he's gonna be pissed. "Now I swear. The next one of you primates ... even touches me..."

Rarrr! I'm a Deadite! We want what you have! Life!!! Dead by dawn! Dead by dawn!!! Dead by dawn!!! "It's like I said before ... even when yer dealin' with just yer garden-variety Deadite, there's no doin' a halfway job. You want to cut 'em up into little bitty pieces ... then burn 'em till they're good and charbroiled."

"Alright. Who wants some? ... Who's next? Who wants to have a little?"

"You. You want some? Huh? Do ya? You want a little?"

"He mighta come from a place of a thousand flames but I grew up in Detroit. At school ya learn to throw a right cross before long division." "It was the tightly wound spring ratchets in the steel hand that gave me that extra pop. It was a good sound. Like the clean crack a fast ball makes when it kisses the sweet spot of a Louisville Slugger. He'd be needin' some bridgework."

Some would say Ash is an asshole. Some call him a black murderer. Some call him a loud mouthed braggart. However, whether Ash is good or bad, he's the guy with the gun. And most people that bad mouth him were born in a barn along with the other primitives.

"Lady, I'm afraid I'm gonna have to ask you to leave the store." Even when talking to an evil witch who just possessed one of his customers, he follows store policy. We could all learn a lot by watching Ash. What a great guy.

"Are all men from the future loud mouthed braggarts?" "Nope. Just me, baby. Just me."

"Oh, that's gotta hurt!!!" Sure Ash isn't very nice, but if skeletons didn't try to get into his castle, he wouldn't drop rocks on their heads.

"It's always the one you don't see, that bites ya in the butt." "It took Shiela." "I chased after it, but it was too fast. Hey, if I could run like The Flash, I woulda had my own stinkin' comic book."

"Welcome back to the land of the living! Now grab a shovel and start digging!" The Deadites used lines like that to annoy us and make sure none of us cared when Ash tore them apart. But, the Deadites are just trying to win back their lives and aren't really more evil than us. They're just uglier and gooier. At least they don't fight amongst themselves like Arthur and Henry. But good, bad, it doesn't matter. Ash has the gun. Ash has the book. And they've killed a few too many of Ash's girlfriends. Now him and old double barrel 'll blow your butts to kingdom come! ... See if they don't.

"I got your damn book. Now send me back to Seanbaby's Old Stuff Page. Like in the deal."