"Did they look like psychos? Psychos do not explode when sunlight hits them. I don't give a fuck how crazy they are." From Dusk till Dawn. In what sounded like a doomed idea for a straight to video Full Moon production, Quentin Tarantino and Robert Rodriguez made one of the coolest films that has ever been. But as a horror movie, it's not as scary as Mannequin or Mannequin on the Move. I still remember when films about Mexican vampires were just a beautiful dream. Now it's finally come true, and I can dig up the pre-Mexican Vampire Movie time capsule I buried. I don't remember what was in it, or really why I buried it, but none of that is really important. "Now, are you a faithless preacher, or are you a mean mother fuckin' servant of God."

Salma Hayek is in this movie and does a strip tease. This fact should be taught in public schools. That way, even though America's kids won't be able to read, they'll have a gloriously unattainable standard of beauty to look up to. This is quite possibly the most important scene in the history of cinema. It begins with the sexiest human alive (sorry, David Bowie). She dances in a snake, feeds Quentin Tarantino whiskey with her feet, turns into a vampire, and gets impaled by a chandelier. And Fred Williamson is there fighting along a biker named Sex Machine. There is nothing cooler than this film. Nothing.

"Lowly dog! Bow your head! Kneel and worship at the feet of Santaniga Pandemonium!"

"I am going to drink this bottle. And when I am finished drinking this bottle, I'm going to break it. Over his melon fucking head."

George Clooney. Yes, the same one who was in Return of the Killer Tomatoes the Sequel. And behind him is a little Chinese kid who has most likely made his last movie. He may have the occasional Pop-Tart commercial, since they always need geeks from different ethnic backgrounds, but you can probably be sure his ego will be too big for a couple more years. "I'm not doing your Pop Tart commercial. I was in Dusk till Dawn! I swear to God in Jesus Christ's name." Actually, now that I think about it, he was in the coolest part of the movie. I liked the part where he was getting torn apart and eaten alive by inhuman vampires and whimpering, "Kill me, Kate! Kill me!" There's something satisfying about seeing the character you've hated for 90 minutes being eaten alive by monsters. It also supports the theory I'm working on about how the universe has a way of sending instant karma your way after you melt half of your dad's vampire face off with a holy water condom and finish him off with a gun and a short prayer. Another good scene involving this kid is where George Clooney grabs his fat little head and starts screaming for no reason, "We're in Mexico, you fucking piece of shit!" Anyway, look for Scott, our little Chinese friend to make appearances on after school specials and future "One Hit Wonder Child Actor" episodes of Jenny Jones with the kid from Terminator 2. Congratulations, guys. "Richie! Put in your bit."

"C'mon, Sex Machine!!!" To the right you can see that vampires are pretty unpredictable, especially in this movie. For example, if you are already a martial arts master biker with a whip and a crotch gun, you will be a way different vampire than say, a sex offending fuck-up with a mouth bit. This is Sex Machine to the right after his human head was yanked off by George Clooney. Then this rat thing burst out of his remaining skin. This isn't normal, even for vampires. But I'll tell you what is normal. If a bunch of them are eating a geeky little Chinese kid and you shoot him, they all explode. Some things are just universal truths. So it's pretty hard to watch this movie with your dipshit friends who get hate a film every time their superior observation skills spot a hole in the plot. But if you're watching it with the 12 year old Japanese girls you keep in your closet, everyone's going to have a good time. Maybe vampire killing should be taught to children in the form of shitty public service commercials. They could have celebrities from the latest sitcom come on and tell kids to carry wooden stakes in their backpacks and drink lots of holy water. These commercials would also be a good punishment for vampires you capture. "Hi, I'm a vampire. But it's not too late for you. Kids, when a vampire asks to get invited into your house, just say 'no.' Because winners aren't undead." In Sex Machine's case, they'd probably sell him to a rat poison company where he would promote new products at poison conventions. What else are you going to do with a five foot vampire rat? Of course, I'm not really sure if there are poison conventions; every time I get invited to one, it's been a trick to get people to come to cult recruitment seminars. I guess they could use Sex Machine as sports team mascot before he started devouring the crowd. "Yo. Monkey man. Anything you got to say to them.... Say to me first."

"Mother fucking vampires! I am going to kill every last one of you godless pieces of shit!"

"Okay, vampire killers. Let's kill some fucking vampires."

A lot of people ask me, when they're not trying to cleverly make fun of my hair, what the most important thing is in vampire warfare. Aesthetics. Your chances of surviving an undead battle are directly related to how tough you look. To the left, you see Seth's horribly inefficient but very cool jackhammer-stake. His allies had shotguns, holy water filled condoms, holy super soakers, and anti-vampire crucifixes. Yeah, they all were effective at quickly killing lots and lots of vampires, but who lived through the movie? The guy with the big stupid weapon. The only way he could have been tougher is if he used a canoe or something. It's not just with weapons. When you're tearing vampires or just little goth kids apart with your superhuman trucker strength, be sure to do things like throw them symmetrically onto upturned table legs, perform elaborate stunts with your whip, or go for the high risk "yank the still beating heart out" trick. You'll find that these will be your best tactics against any lap dogs of Satan you come across. "You'll take it 'cause you got no choice. How'd you like to spend two days of it lying in some muddy ditch with only the rotting corpses of your friends to keep you company?"