#20 Extreme Sports with the Berenstein Bears (Gameboy Color) If this game is good for nothing else, there is something satisfying about ramming the little girl bear's head into trees and screaming, "I'm an extreme teddy beARRARRRGGHHH!" Calling this game "extreme" is like calling this game "crappy." Both of them are way too kind. The game has four events: sledding, kayaking, biking, and skateboarding. All of them contain the exact same amount of extreme-- a teddy bear slowly moving past rocks in a race to humiliate whoever gets caught playing it. With four events, it's like four games in one, but only if you're easily tricked or profoundly stupid. The only thing that changes with each event is the background and the terrible drawing of what your bear is riding. I think the game was designed for blind children, because they're the only ones who won't notice that someone just painted the ground blue and called it kayaking. Before you race, you can choose to be either be Brother or Sister Bear, but there's no difference between them. It's just an option so you can go back and beat the game again in a dress. Of course, if you're the kind of person who would play Extreme Sports with the Berenstein Bears twice, you'd probably have just as much fun playing in an abandoned refrigerator. Graphics: 1/10 The graphics are horrible, and since the developers thought we were idiots, the artist really only had to make the graphics for one quarter of a game. The box should have included a note from the artist's doctor giving us a medical excuse for that kind of failure. Fun: 0/10 Controlling your bear is almost impossible, the game gets tedious into the third or fourth second, and the basic concept behind it would get you shot in most countries. So no, this game is not fun. Actual Extremeness: 0/10 An ugly teddy bear sliding into rocks on an uncontrollable toaster is actually less extreme than most real-life non-extreme sports. Video games should always be more extreme than reality because they can be. Once you have a family of magic talking bears rocking the slopes, there's no reason to keep their speed at a realistically slow level. It's a game; you can have them do whatever you want. Make their kayak do four backflips through lava. Or better yet, invent your own new extreme sport like hitting a dynamite-filled dinosaur with a hockey stick. #19: Bible Adventures (NES) After you throw Moses in the river, try to make yourself look innocent by patting down your pockets and saying, "Now where did I put Baby Moses?" Otherwise, you WILL be struck by lightning. If there's a God, why does He let bad things happen? Or more importantly, why did He let these idiots put His name on this video game? You had three terrible adventures to choose from: Noah's Ark, Baby Moses, and David & Goliath. All of them combined the fun of learning about the Bible with the excitement of boring, monotonous wandering. In Noah's Ark, you had to hunt down and subdue unwilling animals, usually by smashing a vegetable over their head. And after an hour of trying to chase down that second pony, you'll kick your Nintendo off and shout at the sky, "You're just going to have to make some more ponies after the flood, God!" In Baby Moses, your job is to carry Baby Moses through a desert. And I don't know why this is, but every single spider in that desert wants to kill Baby Moses. You can throw the baby at them, but no one gets hurt. Baby Moses just bounces a few times and smiles. It doesn't take more than a couple minutes for the game to degenerate into me throwing Baby Moses into a river and watching him sink, then pretending it was an accident. This might surprise you-- there's no consequence for drowning Moses. You can go back to the beginning of the level and get a new baby any time you want. Your mission is to get him to the end, but if you beat a level without him your only reprimand is, "Good Work! But you forgot Baby Moses!" So even if you kill Baby Moses, you still feel good about yourself. And isn't that exactly what would be important to Moses while he's sitting on the bottom of the river getting eaten by spiders? Graphics: 6/10 With the handicap of it being for the Nintendo and being made by Christians, the graphics weren't that bad. But since almost all of your time will be spent throwing Moses into the water and laughing, it doesn't really matter what the rest of the game looks like. Fun: 1/10 Aside from the baby's lack of buoyancy, there's nothing fun about this game. It might come in handy if you can't juggle the hard life of praying and playing video games at separate times, and I think you can legally use it to swear someone into the witness stand. "Please place your right hand in the air, and your left hand on Bible Adventures." Jesus Power: 8/10 This cartridge is capable of performing small miracles such as multiplying fish, feet washing, and parting the sea. However, it is not to be subjected to extreme temperatures, and should be stored at room temperature in a clean, dry place. Please do not use Bible Adventures as a floatation device or for crime. #18: Kris Kross: Make My Video (Sega CD) Did you ever wish that you could replace the footage of Kriss Kross with a picture of someone's shoulder? And then make the whole thing green? Then this is the game for you, Mr. Stupidest Person Ever! When you saw two little kids with their pants on backwards rapping about missing their school bus, you knew that they were about five minutes away from never ever working again. Society can only tolerate so much before it finally says, "Wait. We all just bought a CD by two kids with their pants on backwards. What the hell is the matter with us?!" The people who made Kriss Kross: Make My Video knew that day was coming, and they had to make a game about them fast, even if they had no idea how to do that. Your job in the game is to listen to radio callers and construct a Kriss Kross video according to their random specifications. They want things like, "No shots of cars, lots of horizontal wipes, a goat, and please put me out of my misery because I clearly shouldn't be allowed to live." When you're making your video, you can switch between three sets of streaming footage. One of them is the original Kriss Kross video, and the other two are whatever non-copyrighted stock crap they could get. Some of it is old cartoons, some of it is tourism videos, but most of it is such bad quality you can't figure out what it's supposed to be. I'm glad they included it because as great as the original MTV video is, vintage footage of can-can dancers and old cartoon women talking in front of laundry machines really make me want to jump jump. Graphics: 1/10 It's so grainy you can barely see anything, and any "special effect" you add to your video just makes it look like your TV broke. So if you normally watch MTV through a sandstorm on a TV with no vertical hold while you're huffing nitrous retard, it'll only be slight step down in quality. Fun: 0/10 I didn't think you could ruin something that was already two hopping kids with their clothes on backwards. These people could have made a game about ass cancer worse than the original. Incantational Powers and Abilities: 8/10 Something like Kriss Kross doesn't happen without the help of wizards, or maybe Satan. This may sound crazy, but hear me out: The [miggidymiggidymiggidy]Mack Daddy and the [diggidydiggidydiggidy]Daddy Mack have got to be time travelling magicians from the distant future who used their advanced knowledge of how to wear things backwards to infiltrate our music industry. Which means by the time you're reading this, I'll probably be a toad. #17: Bubsy 3D (Playstation) Revolutionary Graphics: I've seen hobos clean better looking things out of their belly button. Bubsy handles like a runaway train. Once you get him going, he can't stop until well after you've hit the creature you were trying to avoid, or are twenty feet deep into the pool of lava you wanted to stop in front of. You'll constantly be sliding out of control past hallways you wanted, and since all of the walls are the same flat unchanging color, you may never be able to find your way back. You should also know that the whole time this torture is going on, your Bobcat is screaming obnoxious catchphrases at you. If that sounds like something you'd like, then you might also like chewing on a piece of tin foil that a fat person was using as underwear, freak. The game is fully 3D, but Bubsy can't really move any direction other than straight. Getting at an item across the room can take up to 10 minutes of walking in a line, slowly rotating, then walking in a line and slowly rotating. So unless it's an item that makes one million cheerleaders appear in your living room and start washing their cars, it's probably not worth the pain and suffering it takes to get to it. Graphics: 2/10 Bubsy's world looks like it was built out of old milk cartons by a group of first graders from a country that had never seen milk cartons before. And did I mention that they didn't have scissors, glue, or hands and had to put them together while they were covered in bees? I should have. Fun: 0/10 Any mean bastard can make a boring and unplayable game, but it takes a special kind of sadist to have Bubsy come on and scream obnoxious things at you every two seconds. You can almost taste how much the Bubsy 3D makers hated the children of America. 'Tude: Off the charts! Bubsy was a mascot manufactured by a team of marketers and outrageousness specialists to be as zany and full of 'tude as scientifically possible. And boy is he ever! Sometimes he's so sassy, I'm like, "You go raise the roof, Bubsy!" And then I'm all "Woomp! There he is!" because it's so true. #16: Bad Street Brawler (NES) Life on the Bad Street: A miniature half-naked man swings a purse perhaps filled with emergency moustaches. And yes, that's me with my head in my own diaper cowering in fear. Inset: An alternate reality where I somehow overcome my fear and kick him right in the feet. Fun Medical Fact: the feet are the furthest possible point from a midget's moustache. Bad Street Brawler was designed to be used with the Nintendo Power Glove, and they go well together since neither of them work. In the game, you controlled, or if you used the Power Glove, did your best to control "DUKE DAVIS, former punk rocker and the world's coolest martial arts vigilante!" It's up to you to fight your way through streets killing whatever puppies and tiny circus strongmen you run into. And right down to the banana-throwing gorillas, it's a perfect recreation of real life bad streets. It's actually pretty hard to brawl your way through the streets since your days as a punk rocker didn't really prepare you for a life of high action karate battles. There are girl scouts born with flippers that can punch better than DUKE DAVIS. He had other attacks, including falling over in a move that looked like it was trying to be a kick, and a final ultimate move you'd probably call "cowering in fear." Graphics: 0/10 This game will actually make you less attractive for having played it. Fun: 1/10 Bad Street Brawler still wouldn't be fun if you controlled it with the Nintendo Power Codpiece and it vibrated every time it sucked. Useful Advice: 2/10 The game opens with the soon-to-be-famous proverb, "Never Trouble Trouble Til Trouble Troubles You." Of course, it's pretty hypocritical since dressing up in a yellow diaper and kicking random puppies is just blatantly Troubling Trouble. #15: Total Recall (NES) If I was a tiny midget in a pink jumpsuit I would never ever kick someone who looked like Arnold Schwarzenegger in the penis. Your character, like the real Arnold, has an incredible arsenal of moves at his disposal: both a jump, and a sad thing he does with his wrist that sort of resembles a punch. You should be fine, though; since most of your enemies are midgets, and most of their attacks are harmlessly leaping over your head again and again. Some movies don't translate into Nintendo. You'd have to really venture from the plot of The English Patient to turn it into a video game. Total Recall is not one of those movies. Arnold went from gunfight to gunfight surrounded by horrible mutants and explosives. You don't need to change a thing for that to be a good video game. In fact, you'd have to seriously fuck up for that not to be a good video game. But instead of that, it looks the game decided to come up with its own "better" Total Recall plot. I don't remember the part of the movie where kids in purple top hats popped out of garbage cans with water balloon launchers, and I definitely don't remember the part where midgets in pink jumpsuits pulled Arnold into an alley to play leapfrog. But to be honest, all I really do remember in Total Recall is the alien chick with three tits. Graphics: 1/10 Remember in the movie, there were those little psychic mutants in the faulty Mars domes that had half their faces melted off and had to be carried around in slimy baskets? Those things' stool was prettier than this game. Fun: 1/10 If the British made a musical sitcom based on Total Recall set in a flower shop owned by mimes, it would still be a better spinoff of Total Recall than this. Public Swindling: 10/10 You don't even have to play this game to notice it's crap. People flying over the video game store in a passenger jet can notice it's crap. So whatever sadistic child torturers released this game knew they were selling garbage and were hoping you liked the movie enough to buy the game without ever checking with your own brain to see if you were buying digital dog shit. They might as well have made a bad game about fresh breath (for example, Fresh Breath: The Game) and prayed the public's unconditional love of fresh breath would make it a hit. And I can guarantee you, there is no way a game about fresh breath could be worse than this game about Total Recall. #14: Rapjam Volume One One amazing feature is that you can have multiple rappers on your team. That means that you can finally create the fantasy dream team of two Coolios and one Queen Latifah. Oh Jesus, this one hurts. It's a game starring real-life rap stars, but not doing the things that made them famous. There's no rapping, no singing, and not even any murder. It's a game about basketball. That's right, in some sort of video game-making joke that went too far, you get to fantasize about being a rapper who is fantasizing about being a basketball player. To put it in terms you might be able to better understand, but will probably pretend not to, it's like when I'm pretending to be my neighbor having sex with a cantaloupe which we both pretend is Lynda Carter while she's pretending to be SCUBA Wonder Woman. The game is as bad as the idea behind it. In fact, I think Kris Kross: Make Your Own Video feels more like basketball. Here's the most tragic thing about Rapjam, though: they put "Volume 1" right in the title as if anyone would want to play an entire series of sports games starring people who don't know how to play them. Needless to say, Rapjam Volume 2: Laker Girls Frisbee Golf Explosion was never released, and the spinoff series, Fat-Free Cooking Adventures with History's Greatest Submarine Captains, Volume 1 is still only a distant dream. Graphics: 2/10 Queen Latifah looks like a 180 pound man, and Coolio looks like her identical twin. How hard is it to make a graphic look like Coolio? You draw a guy and then draw a black octopus on his head. Six year olds could draw you a picture of Coolio. "I can't tell, gang, but I think DJ Jazzy Wannabe is taking it to the hole on MC Delusional and Grandmaster Dumbass!" Fun: 1/10 If Bob Hope released a rap video from the device that keeps him from turning into a mummy, rappers would consider it an insult to the art of rap. That's the same sense of outrage anyone who's ever played basketball, a video game, or music should feel about Rapjam, Volume 1. Feelings of Inadequacy: 8/10 We already live in a world where Coolio has a bigger pool, a faster car, and knows 22 words more than we do that rhyme with "dead policeman." Now we have to imagine a world where he can do a front flip 360 dunk over Queen Latifah? How inadequate does Coolio want us to feel? #13: AIRCARS (Jaguar) "Beep! This is AIRCAR. My life is a joke. My life is a joke. Initiating Operation: Drive Into Crappy Rock." To keep an evil organization from taking over the world, your spies have stolen the secret plans for a nuclear AIRCAR. I think there was a mixup, though; and instead of stealing the plans from a top secret file cabinet, it looks like they stole them from a top secret waste basket. AIRCARS turn around slower than a group of Amish people steering a barn, so you usually don't even get a chance to see an enemy tank before it's laser gun's had its way with your ass. And AIRCARS don't have brakes, so a typical game is you careening out of control through trees until you catch an evil AIRCAR. And once you find one, your only chance of survival is putting in a different game. If there's another tank in sight, you won't be able to stop before most of that tank has crashed through your windshield. Graphics: 0/10 Amazingly enough for a game this finely tuned and complex, the graphics are quite bad. It's possible they spent most of the seven or eight hours it took to make AIRCARS thinking up the part about stealing the tank plans. Fun: 1/10 If you're lucky enough to injure an enemy AIRCAR, the game tries to make it look hurt by having it leak a trail of smoke. But the closest they could come to smoke is a trail of giant gray balls. It almost looks like they're laying eggs to grow baby tanks for revenge, but it could be the enemy tank had boulders for lunch and you shot the part of it that lets it keep control of its bowels. State-of-the-Art 3D Realism: 0/10 A lot of 3D games have been called "breath-taking" or "a virtual wonderland." If you went back in time and kept every single one of those games from ever existing, AIRCARS would still look like crap. #12: Night Trap (Sega CD) Above: For years, gamers have demanded that games had more bad actresses lip synching, "You can't escape the Night Trap! Your love is like a Night Trap!" into a broomstick. And whoever those gamers were, I hate you so much. But I do appreciate whoever told the makers of Night Trap that games needed more sluts romping in nighties (below). This was a criminal attempt at making an interactive movie starring Dana Plato (the star of Diff'rent Strokes and several Los Angeles correctional facilities). The gameplay was a test of your blind luck where you randomly switched between the eight cameras in the house hoping there was something to do or watch. Rooms had either teenage girls reciting painful dialogue to each other, lumbering vampires dressed like ninjas, or if you were really lucky, a pile of luggage or something else that wasn't trying to act. For some reason, the girls lived in a house that was full of ridiculous traps, and your only job was to watch pillow fights and push a button when a vampire got near a trap in the next room over. Most of the traps were a smoke machine and a hole opening in a wall, and in order for them to work, the victim had to actually decide to walk into them. That means that they're only effective against people who are actively looking to get caught in traps, which is probably the case since in the next room, the girls have started lip synching the theme song to Night Trap. The theme song to Night Trap is the musical equivalent of raking a car alarm down a chalkboard then jamming the entire thing into the asshole of a screaming cat. I don't know who was supposed to enjoy this "movie," but I can guarantee you that the best part is when you switch to the driveway security camera and watch the parked cars. Graphics: 2/10 The graphics are grainy videos of badly written and worsely overacted scenes. No one starring in this game could get a job as an extra on a Haitian soap opera. Maybe late into some of her monologues Dana Plato would have won my heart with a moving performance, but if it didn't look like one of her boobs were going to pop out of her nightie, I'd have already gone to check on the parked cars again. Fun: 0/10 It was exactly like switching between eight different channels, only at any time, seven on them were static shots of empty rooms and one was the worst show you'd ever seen. Controversy: 9/10 Night Trap hurt the video game industry even more than the awful Atari Jaguar could. When media watchdogs list video games that corrupt our youth, they always name Night Trap as exhibit A. It was even taken off the shelf for a period of time because of its graphic violence and girls in nightgowns. Listen, though: even if kids try to emulate it, the graphic violence in Night Trap was so badly performed they couldn't recreate it without laughing so hard that the knife falls out of their hands. Parents need to look at the bigger problems. For example, if your kid was dumb enough to buy Night Trap, he has way more wrong with him than the time a video game showed him what panties looked like. Don't get me wrong, there are many, many reasons this piece of garbage should be against the law, but four or five blood-soaked sorority girl t-shirts are not any of them. #11: Advanced Dungeons & Dragons: Dragonlance: Heroes of the Lance (NES) I just made my saving throw to totally get kicked in the shins. You play the part of eight adventurers on a quest they'll never finish. Mostly because you'll outgrow your Dungeons and Dragons phase before their slow asses get across the screen. And also because they're so clumsy they'll probably kill themselves with their own swords before they ever meet a monster. You might ask yourself why you need eight characters. Well, each of them has a special title like Thief or Magic User which may make the important difference between them having a green hat or a blue hat. In addition, they each have their own Charisma rating, which might come in handy if you get a defective cartridge where instead of slaughtering goblins you invite them all to a cocktail party fundraiser. Another reason you need eight characters is because they doesn't listen to you when you tell them to do things. While you're getting slowly beaten to death by creatures half your size, you can only hammer the button make wild speculations why your guy isn't doing anything. And if you actually play past the first couple rooms, which is quite an intellectual leap for me to take since that's ridiculous, you'll get to a point where you have to get over a pit. Most, if not all of your guys will probably run directly into it while they ignore the button that's supposed to make them jump. You won't miss them. Graphics: 0/10 It would take all of history's greatest geniuses working in unison with history's greatest untreated sewage to come up with uglier graphics. Fun: 0/10 Even if you do manage to poke a monster, no small feat for someone with a non-responsive remote-control Frankenstein with a four inch knife, it still rolls an imaginary set of dice to see if you actually do damage. It would be like if the Mario Brothers randomly exploded every few jumps. So if you do somehow practice and become a world champion of remote-control Frankensteins, there's a high percentage chance you'll still suck at Heroes of the Lance. Teamwork: 0/10 While you control your chosen character, the other seven somehow vanish leaving you to get savagely kicked in the shins by yourself. It's hard to say where they go, but judging by how hard it is for you to move, I'd guess they're probably all strapped to your body. "It's my turn to fight! Wizard, strap yourself on and form magician pants! Dwarf, you hug my chest and form hobbit sweater!" #10: Revolution X (SNES) I don't need them to break down crying, but is it too much to ask that the enemies at least notice when I blow a watermelon-sized hole in their balls? This game is biblically horrific. You're overthrowing an oppressive world order. With Aerosmith. And music is your weapon. That scream of terror you just heard was probably you. Using your weapon, music, you'll fight a massive army of soldiers sent by the government to keep you from rocking. And since the artists were lazy, the army is made up entirely of a man in a yellow jacket and his several thousand identical twins. Also due to laziness, they're only animated to fire their guns and die. That means that while you're blowing the crap out of them, they seem have no idea. They don't even flinch. I've never taken three explosive rounds to my crotch, but I don't think I'm being unmanly when I say I'd at least fall down and scream like a bitch. The game has unlimited continues from the exact point you die, and it's still the most challenging game in the world. Continuing in this game is like electing to keep your hand on the stove. Maybe you're numb to the pain by now, but you're still pretty sure you're doing permanent damage. Graphics 2/10 There are only about three graphics in the game-- yellow guy, yellow guy not caring when you destroy his genitals, and yellow guy finally falling down. All three of them look a lot like you just shaved Aerosmith's back hair onto the floor of a grimy stadium bathroom. Fun: 0/10 You'll be in some rooms shooting a steady stream of unflinching identical men for ten minutes while the same four seconds of an Aerosmith song loop infinitely. That's not a game. That's a Nazi psychological test to see how much it takes for a human head to pop. It's like the worst second of your life repeated forever, and it will stay with you even after your panicked tears finally make your Super Nintendo short out. Good luck topping Revolution X, Satan. Basic Concept: 0/10 Say you're living in some nightmare world that requires you to send a commando out to kill the government with a CD launching machine gun. Try to make sure he has more qualifications than "big Aerosmith fan." And if you can help it, don't put Aerosmith in charge of the mission. Rocking isn't as handy as you might think in a military operation. What I'm really trying to say is that if you have to stretch the limits of your own astonishing stupidity as far as Revolution X to translate Aerosmith enthusiasm into a video game, here's a hint: maybe you just shouldn't be making a game about Aerosmith at all. #9: Custer's Revenge (Atari 2600) I've masturbated to sexier Legos. Atari 2600 owners had games about blowing up tanks, brushing their teeth, and Kool-Aid. But where were the games about General Custer rising from the dead to sexually assault Indians? The company Mystique heard the people's demands and fulfilled them with Custer's Revenge. In it, you lead Custer through a hail of arrows to hump a girl tied to a cactus on the other side of the screen. That's it. That's the whole game. A native of Harrison County, Ohio, General George Armstrong Custer is considered by many to be the father of modern erotic military tactics. The following speech that he gave prior to the historic Battle of Little Big Horn still never fails to inspire cock-crazy madmen to this day. Custer: "Gentlemen, today's operation will be a unique one. We will go deep into Indian territory with a full entourage of cavalry, establish a tight perimeter, have the infantry remove my pants and underpants, and then I will attempt to force sex on an Indian girl under heavy enemy fire. Are there any objections?" Custer's military advisor: "Yes, general. Several." Graphics: 3/10 With the stone-age graphics of the 2600, there really was no point in trying to make erotic games. Custer's Revenge looks less like sex and more like a couple slow dancing at a social for birth defected sea horses. Fun: 1/10 Even if you were turned on by a woman who looks like she was made out of cardboard boxes, she's still tied to a cactus. Two things that don't mix with adult entertainment are cactuses and rubbing your balls on cactuses. If Custer's Revenge assisted anyone in masturbation, they not only should be arrested for being a pervert lunatic, they would have just as good a time jerking their penis in front of Chopper Command. Historical Accuracy: 9/10 Although General Custer didn't tie any of them to cactuses and sexually assault any them, and was in fact killed by Native Americans, the rest of the game is factually correct. Besides the faithfulness to details like Custer's blue cowboy hat and magnificently gay pink scarf, the creators did exhaustive research on cowboys having sex, and the game uses the time-honored historical Old West style of scoring, which is one point for each successful pelvic thrust. Seven points are awarded for all solid slaps to the ass, and you're immediately declared sheriff if you perform a full backflip without leaving the vagina. #8: White Men Can't Jump (Jaguar) Don't sass me, White Men Can't Jump. I was close enough to destroying you while you were being polite. Movies never quite translate into games correctly. White Men Can't Jump, the movie, was the definative film about high stakes street basketball gambling, and for the video game version of it, I was looking forward to fighting my way through the kingdom of the swamp people with a fire-basketball-throwing atomic Wesley Snipes. That's why it was so shocking that it's actually made the game about basketball. A game about basketball so bad that some electricity might refuse to power it. It's two on two basketball, which is is four players more than the programmers were ready to handle, and the camera has to constantly zoom in and out to keep all the players on the screen. I've found the game looks best if you zoom all the way out to somebody else's house and try to forget your dumb ass ever turned on the Atari Jaguar. Thanks to the sloppy graphics and insane camera work, the hoop usually looks like a distant chunk of Grape Nuts, so you can never tell whether you made a basket or not. The programmers seemed to notice this, so to help you determine whether the ball went in, hardcore street basketball phrases appear at the top of the screen to let you know what happened. Unfortunately, the game developers must have hired 40 year old golfers at a French country club to write their hardcore street slang. When you throw up a shot, it screams nonsense like "BANGIN' UP HIGH THE HANDLE HOMEY BEEF!" Maybe that means that I made the shot, maybe it means "There is a tornado approaching the court, my friends. We should escape and your mother is a whore." I'll never know; the manual doesn't have a translation guide. So if, like me, you don't come from whatever hip-hoppin' street speaks this alien language, you just have to try to decode "DOWN STREET ON THE FLIPFLOP TIMEPANTS!" on your own. Graphics: 2/10 White Men Can't Jump's animation is so bad, you wouldn't even call it "choppy." The players in this game seriously look like four cardboard cutouts of basketball-player-shaped peanut butter got glued to the top of remote control cars and then someone peed on them. Fun: 0/10 This game is so boring it wouldn't be fun if you were somehow playing it while bungee jumping into an alligator's mouth in a room full of nude ninja girls fighting the Predator. Blatant Racism: 8/10 Since they're usually targetted at children, things in video games get blown out of proportion by censors and pussies. That's why parent groups protested Mortal Kombat, but never even tried once to burn down Steven Seagal's house. So it's weird that no one cared when White Men Can't Jump the game was released. That's racist as hell. Maybe because only a handfull of the tasteless elite bought it, or maybe because parents were distracted by the more offensive "Asian Women Can't Drive" or the Super Nintendo classic, "Fucking Ten-Year-Old Hindu Kids Can't Hold Their Liquor." #7: Superman 64 (N64) You might be able to carry a car through rings, Superman, but I can do a somersault and press the off button with my ass. The game starts with Superman trapped in Lex Luthor's virtual world. And you can tell Lex Luthor made it because only a genius super villain could make a world so expertly horrible and boring. This game might as well be called Puppy Dog Obedience School, because Superman doesn't get to do anything heroic. You spend almost the entire game performing whatever tricks Lex Luthor demands. It's the classic villain plot "Make Superman fly through 75 hula hoops in one minute or die!" followed by the evil plan "Make Superman fly through 75 MORE hula hoops in one minute or again... die!" I don't want to spoil the game for you, but Level 2 is "Retrieving Your Slippers" and Level 3 is "Learning to Shit on the Paper." Graphics: 1/10 Superman looks a lot like a flying log in panties, and the entire world is covered in a dull green fog. The game calls this "Kryptonite fog," but it looks suspiciously like something they put there so they didn't have to draw any buildings in the distance. Fun: 0/10 Superman has about 300 differnt super powers, and the only one the game thought to include was his fantastic ability to fly through hoops. It would have been more fun if they made a game about Superman talking on the phone with Aquaman. Realism: 9/10 This game exactly recreates the pain you'd feel if you really were Superman being tortured in a virtual world filled with radioactive poisonous gas. #6: Zelda: Wand of Gamelon (CDI) In video games, princesses are helpless little girls in castles with bad security just waiting to get captured. Why would anyone make someone like that the star of a game? It doesn't take a sociologist to know that the only game players who'd want to pretend to be a helpless princess are gay. Let's not fool ourselves-- they'd have to be super super gay. Now, experts in ass ramming estimate that about 10% of the world is homosexual, and if you consider that only 5 people actually wanted a CDI machine, that means that this game was made specifically for a target audience of one half a person. I hope that half a person is happy, because this game probably got a few video game salesmen killed by angry customers. Graphics: 0/10 If you thought I was just kidding about how gay this game is, look at this screenshot: Fun: 0/10 The gameplay is almost as deep and engaging as flipping from one option to the next on a DVD menu. Say for instance one person was playing Zelda: Wand of Gamelon, and another person was telling Terminator 2 to be played in French, then English, then French again, they'd both be having the same amount of fun. However, once the second person actually started watching Terminator 2 in French, they'd be having approximately 927,087 times more fun. Education: 6/10 The CDI system was marketed as an educational device, and in many ways it was. If nothing else it taught you Lesson Number One: Don't spend $500 on worthless garbage, dipshit. #5: Virtuoso (3D0) Ha ha ha ... Look, it's the future's greatest rocker!!! ha ha ha! How was the Japanese comic book store, rock star! Virtuoso is the story of the greatest Rock & Roll Mega Star in the 21st century who can't take the rock and roll lifestyle, so when he's alone and away from his rocking duties, he flees stardom and escapes into the virual world of Virtuoso. And I'm going to tell you right now, unless his rock and roll lifestyle is him getting his face slammed in a car door all day, his life is better than Virtuoso. The game itself is a 3D shooter with a camera located directly behind your guy. That means that anything you could possibly want to shoot is hidden from site by your own rocker's greasy mop head. Like in all games that were made only to torture you, all the enemies (you manage to catch a glimpse of) are the same one creature repeated throughout the whole game. They sometimes try to trick you by slightly changing the spiders to look like crabs, or the bats to look like half-bat/half-seagull things, but unless you're having your government-appointed handler read this to you, you'll notice. You might even be able to put up with it for a few minutes. However, you'll draw the line when you fight your way through 300 spiders just to get to the level boss who ends up being the same spider graphic as all the others, blown up to eight times its size. And that's not the worst part. When you kill it-- it explodes into smaller spiders. Is the 3D0 trying to piss me off? Graphics: 0/10 Almost the entire screen is taken up by the back of doughy main character's head at all times. Maybe in front of him there are beautifully rendered worlds of possibility. That doesn't seem likely since everything else in Virtuoso is a pathetic failure, that's unlikely. And I should have mentioned by now that whoever they used as a model for the main character looks like one of the game programmers at a costume party. They might not have known this, but people can spot the difference between I'm-a-rocker long hair and I-play-too-much-Everquest long hair. Fun: 0/10 How much has to be wrong with a person before they make a bad game about a bad imaginary rockstar playing a bad imaginary game? That's such a confusing disaster, you'd be better off playing Donkey Kong and hoping that at the same time, David Lee Roth might also be playing Donkey Kong. Realistic Portrayal of a Mega Star Lifestyle: 0/10 Unless the Mega Star's roadies secretly give his body blowjobs and heroin while he's in virtual reality, I find it hard to believe that this guy would ever leave his panty-throwing groupies to play shitty video games in a hotel room. Of course, I'd also find it hard to believe that a janitor would leave an exploded toilet to play Virtuoso. #4: Captain Novolin This game is so bad, you'll start rooting for diabetes. First off, this is a game about diabetes. And from the looks of it, it was put together not to educate children about diabetes, but to blatantly taunt their disease. It's the story of aliens coming to Earth and taking the form of sugary diabetes-promoting snacks who can only be stopped by Captain Novolin, a diabetic hero. And of course, you would have been a lot happier if you'd never known that. Since diabetic scientists haven't developed a raygun capable of defeating snacks, Captain Novalin only has one ability-- hopping. And since the control is so bad, he can't usually can't even do that right. Careful research showed that you have the same chance of getting him to jump if you try to control your Super Nintendo with a banana. Your main enemy is a bouncing donut, but unlike other games where enemies follow avoidable patterns, the donut is a crafty unpredictable genius. At random times while you're using your only move, jumping over him, he'll immediately change direction and slam into you with his deadly donut flesh. That means that even on the rare occasion when Captain Novolin jumps when you tell him to, it's completely up to fate whether or not you're safe from donut attacks. I can't stress enough how much this will piss you off. If you can't find Captain Novolin at your local game store, you can exactly recreate the experience by flipping a coin while you're having a seizure. Bonus Game: In between the two repeating levels of Captain Novolin, Speedboat Level and Non-Speedboat Level, there's a fun game where you have to inject yourself with the right amount of insulin. To do so, you have to select from several colors on your needle to match the color of your blood sugar. Don't worry, though. Getting it wrong doesn't have any consequence other than a funny noise and of course forcing you into the crushing acknowledgement that you can't even match two damn colors together in a retarded game about a disease. Captain Novolin might not have been a huge hit, but it at least taught the kids who played it the importance of making a mockery out of their disease with cartoon milkshakes. Diabetes isn't a laughing matter... until now! Even if Captain Novolin did save some lives, remember this: it's an electronic video game. That means that for every diabetic life it saved, it killed that many epileptics. So the total number of lives saved by Captain Novolin actually comes out to be zero, unless you count these children who received Captain Novolin as a gift from their physician and died of sadness. This game couldn't have saved anyone any time. It would scare the hell out of me if a pediatrician would leave the education about a potentially deadly affliction up to an unplayable video game. "Listen you little fuck, I don't really have time to tell you all the foods you can and can't eat right now. If staying alive is really that important to you, take this video game and don't eat anything until you've gotten past the speedboat level. Also, I'm going to have to cancel next week's appointment, so on your way out take a coloring book about treating your turburculosis." Graphics: 1/10 It looked like all of the graphics were scanned directly from a kid's notebook doodles after someone he knew thought his notebook doodles were toilet paper. I want to know where the artist drawing superheroes fighting donuts met the programmer who wanted to make a game about Diabetes. Was it at some kind of Dumbest Ass Ideas Ever convention? Fun: 0/10 I didn't really need a game about diabetes. After I threw my Super Nintendo into the TV, what I really needed was a game about cleaning broken glass out of my eye. And a game about curing syphillis, but that doesn't have anything to with bad games unless you think "Batman vs. Hooker: Backseat of My Car Adventure" is a bad game. Effectiveness at Stopping Diabetes: 9/10 People have been saying for years that we shouldn't have diabetes, but we listen to video games, not people. It's why no winners do drugs and why women are always fighting each other in bikinis. And it's why the three kids with parents stupid enough to buy them Captain Novolin are now diabetic survivors living healthy and happy lives, except for the irrational fear that cookies want to pull them out of a speedboat and murder them. #3: Fight for Life (Jaguar) You can tell it's hell because you can't buy outfits like that anywhere else... ...and you can tell it's Fight For Life because the game doesn't seem to notice when you kick someone in the chest. Sometimes when a group of people try to come up with a great idea for a video game, they instead decide to give up and make something completely retarded. That's what happened here. It's the story of eight dead people fighting in the "Spectre Zone," where the winner gets to face the son of the devil for a chance to come back to life. And judging by how well they fight, they're trying to rise from the dead to get back to their old jobs as Special Olympics equipment managers. Due to what I'm assuming was some kind of error, nobody told the guy in charge of making the backgrounds that the game was set in hell. The fighters will go from tropical jungles to Manhattan as if Satan was announcing the tournament, "Fight for your soul in the deepest bowels of HADES!!! And also... beautiful scenic Arizona!" Most of your time in Fight for Life is spent waiting for your dead karate man to hobble across the screen to get close enough to throw a clumsy punch at the other dead karate man. The game is so slow it looks like the fighters not only have rigor mortis setting in, but also decided to glue their feet to the floor before the tournament. And you better hope your opponent doesn't jump over your head when you finally make it over to him, because when that happens it takes about 27 minutes for the camera to reposition itself. Here's one more unique feature: if you push the attack button while you're crouching, and you're lucky enough for the controls to notice, your character will first stand up, and then try to hit the area six inches in front of their own face. Crouching is just a useless option in case you want to look like an idiot duck before you stand up and punch. And since we've already established that you're stupid enough to be playing Fight For Life, that's entirely possible. Graphics: 1/10 If the Jaguar has 64 bits, then they used 60 of them for crap, and four for someone to step in that crap spread it around with their shoe. I found a handheld football game in a dumpster in 1979 that looked better than this. Fun 0/10 Have you ever stepped on a nail during a seminar about trends in hydraulic pump insurance? If so, then keep doing it. It's more fun than this electronic wasteland. Contribution to a Failure: 9/10 There are so many video game systems that failed for subtle reasons like marketing or sunspots. That's not the case with the Jaguar. The Jaguar didn't fail hard enough. If any of the people responsible for the Jaguar still have their homes, there is no justice in the world. #2: Club Drive (Jaguar) The one noble thing about this game is that it was made entirely by the handicapped. Some missions of Club Drive have you drive an RC car into glowing balls of string that appear throughout a living room. They're usually found in a maze of chair legs or other obstacles, but don't worry. The game usually doesn't seem to care if you drive directly through them. And if in addition to pointless string collecting you like to drive through the side of couchs and get miraculously stuck inside them for all eternity, Club Drive might end up being your favorite game. Because that kind of thing will happen to you a lot. Running into things, when the game notices that you have, shows off Club Drive's most unique failure: physics. For example, if you nose dive a remote control car into the ground from the top of a table, you might expect it to break or at least roll end-over-end across the floor. Club Drive has invented its own bizarre set of rules where doing that makes your car levitate into the air, fly around for a little bit, flip over onto its wheels and slowly float back down to the floor. It's hard to say whether it's a glimpse into the future of driving or just some programmer being being an idiot. Graphics: 0/10 Since no matter where you are it's a featureless landscape of flat color, there's no way to tell which way is which. So all it takes is one crash or yank of the wheel to disorient you enough that you drive twenty minutes in the wrong direction. Fun: 0/10 You may not always be able to tell if you're going the right way, but you can always be sure that you don't care if you get there. Physics: 0/10 Video games are supposed to take liberties with physics to keep them fun. No gameplayer wants realistic physics where running down stairs makes his boobs jiggle and heart palpitate. It's not like the game would be any more fun if the cars acted like real cars, but it looks like the people who were in charge of Club Drive's physics haven't even heard of two things running into each other. #1: ET, The Extra Terrestrial (2600) If you've been paying attention to the hints and believing in yourself enough, then you've done it-- you've made it out of the pit! Now just 2000 more to go. Here's the bad news, though: if you're still playing by this point, the government's on its way over to your house to put you in a special camp for dangerous stupids. This game was so bad it actually destroyed the life of the Atari 2600. The Atari 2600 had a game where General Custer sexually assaulted Indians tied to cactuses, and THAT couldn't kill the system. Most of the actual gameplay was trying to escape from scientists and jumping into pits to find parts of your telephone. Once you were in a pit, that's when the fun began. If there was no chunk of telephone in the pit, which was only the case in 97% of them, you could leave by stretching out ET's neck until he slowly, SLOWLY floats up. This was the most satisfying part of the game since it looked like an invisible monster was trying to tear his head off. When you make it to the top of the pit, which if you started in 1983 should be about... NOW, you have a fraction of a second window to immediately stop making ET's head stretch. This is important. If you miss it, he'll fall right back in and you have to start the floating process all over. Don't worry, practice and timing can make you a master of exiting a pit, and then you'll only fall back into the same one seven or eight times. Of course, that just means seven or eight more times the FUN! Graphics: 0/10 ET has never looked worse. Which is a pretty amazing accomplishment since he started out looking like a slimy little space turtle. Fun: 0/10 This is a true story: Atari manufactured five million E.T. cartridges, and according to Atari's CEO, "nearly all of them came back." It got to a point where the world's children refused to take them for free. To put that into perspective, I've seen kids buy dead spiders from each other for a nickle. Calling this game a piece of trash is actually scientifically accurate because Atari eventually took their massive collection of useless E.T. cartridges and buried it in a New Mexico landfill. So if you ever lose your mind and want a copy of E.T., or maybe five million, grab a shovel and drive out to the desert. They're free. Related Link: www.snopes2.com/business/market/atari.htm A Little Boy's Love: 10/10 E.T. can make you press the power button on his game, but the power button to his heart... you have to find that for yourself.