Stripper Candi Maxx describes her relationship with God in a pulsating interpretive dance. After some amazing clitoral pole climbing, God calls off three hurricanes.

From: Saint Peter O'Mally Subject: the BROTHERS OF THE INTERNET "your page is FILTHY. WE have not seen many pages filthier than yours, SPAWN OF BEELZEBUB." "seanbaby," i speak on behaf of the BROTHERS OF THE INTERNET: your page has been drawn to my atention by sevral of my collegues. let me explain where i am coming from: i lead a group of peace-loving men to seek out all the TRASH on the interent and do away with it. we search the internet until we find EVIL and SIN-FILLED pages such as yours. we are known all over the net as the BROTHERS OF THE INTERNET. (there is one female member: St. Theresa). since GOD THE ALMIGHTY is a very UNFORGIVING and VENGEFUL GOD, i know HE will punish you as HE see fit. however, us BROTHERS have been called upon by HIM to do his RIGHCHOUS bidding until HE sees fit to EXTERMINATE you. your page is FILTHY. WE have not seen many pages filthier than yours, SPAWN OF BEELZEBUB. so here is what you must do in order to ensure that we BROTHERS continue to pray for your DISGUSTING soul: you must put a HOLY symbol or sign on your page so that it becomes somewhat GOOD. this will last until the LORD takes down your page. PEACE BE WITH YOU St. Peter This was the first contact I, the filthy spawn of beelzebub, had with this group of near-literate christian warriors. Below is my exact response, and one of my finest moments. Thank you, St. Peter. I look forward to hearing your response to the following: (  |  ) This is your ass. It is very fat. "seanbaby"

All part of His plan, God told the BROTHERS OF THE INTERNET to send stupid email to me so I would mockingly put it next to this picture of some of His finest work - Elizabeth Hurley as she's getting ready to sunbathe.

From: Saint Matthew Sullivan Subject: Brothers of the Internet- abbolashers of what is evil "We have managed to SAVE many pages out there form complete and utter destruction at the hands of the Lord" Seanbaby, As an active member of the Brothers of the Internet, I wish to inform you that we are very close to the point in which we will stop praying for you. When that happens, you shall feel an imense pain in your tarnished soul- this is a sign that Lucifer has posesed it. St. Peter told me that he wrote to you as well but received a rather cryptic response and no indikation that you would obey our requests. Remember- you must put a holy symbol on your page to make it good and just, until the time that God wipes the page out completely. We have managed to SAVE many pages out there form complete and utter destruction at the hands of the Lord, and we propose to do the same for yours. Heed our wishes before it is too late. You're vile, pornographic, nasty page will not last long if you do not obey us Brothers. ~St. Matthew I began to suspect that this may be an unelaborate hoax after entering all the data into the SeanbabyComputer. We decided after many random lights and beeps that this is probably a bored kid registering hotmail accounts from the back of the remedial English classroom. But since this is the type of person that makes up my entire fan base, I, of course, responded. Here is what I sent him: I can tell you and your superstar squad are a powerful force, backed by your secretive mythological old man, and yielding 0 matches when I searched on your righteous name on altavista. Please tell St. Theresa to write me, she sounds kind of hot. Seanbaby

I'm walking a thin line between sacreligiousness and just painful heterosexuality, periodically falling erect-crotch first on each side of the metaphor*. * This is a flowery way of saying I like tits and think putting pictures of them next to God's messengers is really funny.

From: Saint Bernard Simpson "We are not asking you to take down your page from the internet, as that is for God to do." TO the proprietor of "Seanbaby" at Old Man Murry: I simply do not understand why you continue to harrass my friends. We have done nothing evil. We only continue to write to you until you agree to our simple request. We are not asking you to take down your page from the internet, as that is for God to do. I cannot speak for all of the Brothers when I say this, but I really do not care if you "believe" us or not. ANd frankly, we do not have to explain ourselves to you. We cannot even get a sensical response out of you let alone cooperation. DOn't you have any conscious? I think you've been writing your page and catering to all the freaks out there that you think everyone is a "retard" or has some mental problem. Well, fine. You will get no more prayer from me, and this is the only letter you will get from me. Good day and God bless. st barnabus ACTION FUTURE NEWS - HEADNET CHANNEL ALPHA 6: Mutant creatures from the inner Neptunian methane clouds attacked the Galactic Council 2000 Dome. They were fought off by a group of primitive, yet lovable "football star" time travellers from the late 20th century. LASERFORCE SPECIAL FEATURE - RELATED HISTORY FUN FACTS: St. Barnabus was an important figure in the late 20th century as a sholar, a holyman, and the first brave BROTHER to come out as a non Seanbaby pray-er. Quoted below is "Seanbaby", one of that era's heathens, responding in the kind of immature, satanic way so common of sexy humorists of the time. Subject: This little light of mine. I don't think you guys are for real. God sent me an email yesterday that said: "Your pages rule. The NES page was wicked sweet, my son. Kick ass." He also signed the guestbook, but I deleted it because it was too preachy. After you stopped praying for me, all my winning lottery tickets changed to losers right before my eyes. Please do not discontinue your prayers in the future until I have cashed in all my gambling winnings. Thank you. Sincerely, Seanbaby

"TO BE HONEST, MY CHILDREN, I DON'T PAY MUCH ATTENTION TO THIS WEB CRAP. BUT I DO HATE FAGS."

From: SaintPeter O'Mally Subject: "you would be lucky if you only had us BROTHERS to deal with, as HIS WRATH will be much more SFIWT and SEVERE." ok you UNCLEAN one- this is gone far enough. i lead these group of people and offer sound advice for them and except them to follow me in my doings, and all you do is insult them. you mock the LORD and his ways. you are FILTH is our eyes and we are no longer praying for your SIMPLE, UNPURE soul. but we will continue to pray to the LORD for guidence, as you have been an especialy difficult one to reach. if HE instructs us to continue in our quest to convince you to add some sort of HOLINESS to your page, then so be it. if not, and the LORD commands us to leave you alone, wishing to deal with you entirely by HIMSELF, then it will be so. but you would be lucky if you only had us BROTHERS to deal with, as HIS WRATH will be much more SFIWT and SEVERE. st peter Sensing my best chance for salvation might be leaving me, I sent this response to Saint Peter, the charismatic and tragically stupid leader of the BROTHERS. I'm going to miss you guys. ar u sure thier isnt' something I could DO to still get these hidously UNSPELLED leters from YOU!!?? It would be a tragedy to never get another mail from you. But if I don't, I'm sure I'll hear about you and the other BROTHERS on the news someday after you burn down an abortion clinic or a jew. Seanbaby

FAGS BURN. GOD LAUGHS God can stuff millions of homosexuals into a pit of fire, but can't get this one woman to put down the lard sandwich and go jogging. And if God thinks lighting fags on fire is funny, you know He's laughing His ass off at that last sentence. "Good one," says your Lord. "You always get Me with the fat jokes."

From: Saint Theresa Brannigan Finally, I heard from the female BROTHER. Below is the transcription of our first dirty roll in God's hay, but she's harder to seduce than my fourth grade teacher. And he was spade AND neutered. "I am surprised at your immaturity and impudence. Are you a LITTLE BOY?" Sean, Well, it's about time you get a letter from me. Thank you, brother Theresa, for taking the time out of your schedule of selling church raffle tickets in His name to send me a nice mail. I have been watching and waiting to write to you. Like a cat waiting to pounce, she watched her internet brothers finish beating the Down's Syndrome and Wheelchair groups in the Special Olympics tug-of-war. After one more good tug and a hug-filled award presentation, she would get to destroying the pathetic Seanbaby with her divine power. I have read all of the correspondence between you and the other Brothers. Frankly, I am surprised at your immaturity and impudence. Are you a LITTLE BOY? I'm wearing a diaper at least. But that was rhetorical, right, brother? You need discipline. I don't care how holy you are, this sounds kind of sexy. I wouldn't mind getting a few more mails from this saint. You need the Words of the Lord. Why not go to church this Sunday and see what it has to offer? Would it be cool if I just watched Clash of the Titans? Well, I know you will not go to church, Duh. but about the other matter at hand... the matter of the holy symbol or sign that you have neglected to put on your webpage. I just realized that I have the Gay Christian flag on two of my pages, and a picture of a monkey that says "Jesus Loves You." And if the nude pictures of Lynda Carter I have don't count as a holy sign, you're going to have to send me a very detailed list of what one is. We are not joking about this, as you seem to think. The Lord is not joking either. You're wrong. The Lord is a pretty cool guy. One time at camp, he stuck my hand in warm water and made me pee frogs. I won the "Costume Designer for a Day" Sweepstakes off the back of a Spice Girls Action Figure. He spoke to me last night and told me to write to you today. That is so weird. Because I saw on evangelical TV last night that he was talking to a lady with big hair and tarantula eyelashes. And according to her (who is more credible than a stranger with a hotmail account), God spent the night telling her to invite everyone to their church's Texas Barbecue. One of you is lying, or one of you was talking to Santa Claus. I was hesitant at first, but He thinks you may respond better to a woman-- and since I am the only woman in the Brothers of the internet.... God is right. I respond much better to women, especially if they're hot. Have Him send some pictures of you. Listen to me: Do not ignore the Word of the Lord. He calls to you through us Brothers and you MUST obey. Do not deny Him, he is our Savior. Why did He pick a group of confrontational idiots to send his message? Are you filled with delicious candy? ----St. Theresa120 P.S. HE IS OUR SAVIOR Sister Seanbaby P.S. ARE YOU FILLED WITH DELICIOUS CANDY?

Checking to see if her necktie matches her nipples - St. Theresa always wants to look her best while cleaning up the internet.

From: Saint Jerome Reinhardt JUST SOME WORDS TO THINK ABOUT: GOOD: BAD: HEAVEN HELL ANGEL DEMON JESUS BEELZEBUB GOD SATAN CHRIST LUCIFER LORD DEVIL PRAYER SIN AMEN NOT SAYING AMEN HOLY UNHOLY SAINT SINNER CHURCH TEMPLES OF SIN BIBLE UNHOLY BOOKS CHRISTIAN ATHEIST LOVE HATE PEACE WAR HARMONY CONFUSION ST. JEROME SEANBABY I don't know where these saints found this guy, but any chances I had at finding Christ were destroyed by this lame message. "AMEN NOT SAYING AMEN," was fucking hilarious, but St. Jerome's gay note punctured the blood-filled sack that was holding Medusa's severed head and my salvation. And when it leaked out, it created deadly giant scorpions that went sting crazy on the surrounding countryside. Nice going, Saint Asshole. This is all I sent the holy dickhead: Hey, brothers. Get this Jerome guy out of my inbox. God is supposed to be sending pictures of St. Theresa. I don't want to miss them.

Brother Theresa at home in her garage, covered in oil and righteousness.

From: Saint Theresa Brannigan Unwooed by my charms, Theresa writes back. And she's not happy. I was really bored at work when I wrote my reply, so it sucked and St. Theresa still wouldn't lay me. "It is not funny to make jokes of others, even if you are doing it as a joke." Subject: Won't Let Satan *pphhhppt* it out! How dare you! How dare you say such things! I've said such things about nearly every demographic and doctrine in the world. Daring to send mean things to some undereducated Ass Saints was probably the least notable thing I did all day. Except for the two hours I spent building dinosaurs out of chewed gum. Have you no respect for women and the Lord? I respect the Lord in the same way I respect the Easter Bunny. I don't really think about him or Him until he/He hops up to my door with a basket of eggs. Have you no morals? Not since 'Nam. Not since I looked into the eyes of the bastard on the end of my bayonet. I knew I'd never be the same after I icilly growled through my blood coated teeth, "Freedom is bleeding out your yellow heart, bitch." Morals? I eat Communism and shit America, brother. How dare you, you foolish demon-boy! I have never been so insulted in all of my 25 years on God's green Earth! I've created this short list you can read, to help desensitize you to any insults I may say to you in the coming years of our correspondence: You are Saint Genital Wart. I would have sex with your mother if she was hot. (    |    ) - your ass is fatter than even St. Peter's. God plays on my volleyball team and sucks. You shall pay for your sins, Mr. Reiley. You shall pay DEARLY- He shall see to that. It would be in your best interest to make your page more Holy very soon, as we are losing patience with you. I sincerely apologize for procrastinating this important project. Last night, I put as many lower case t's as possible on my page, thinking they looked a lot like the crucifix that His kid got killed on. God said, "Yeah, sure. If My son was crucified on a cross with a gay little curl on it. And anyway, I don't like to be reminded of that, foolish demon-boy." I don't think He's taking this very seriously, and I'll have a talk with Him. Unless you want to call Him. St. Peter is not one to be toyed with, as he has a special bond with the Lord that none of us other Brothers share. Yeah, he told me all about it. How they used to climb trees, the combat snow forts, the time they broke into the candy store... I swear, once I got 9 pages into the detailed stories about how God would melt their Gi-Joes with His powers, I thought it would never get to the damn point. But eventually it did. Saint Peter's essay finally came to the Holy conclusion: "Kickball is fun, especially with pals. Bye. PS - God RULES!" Sarcastic symbols and jests at the Lord are not acceptable. It must be a pure symbol, free of any hidden meaning or joke and must be in plain view for all to see. We want everyone to see that amidst the rotten trenches of your page there lies a divine sign. Ugh. Don't ever say rotten trenches again when I'm picturing us having sex. You just destroyed the magical image of us naked and free of any hidden meaning or joke and in plain view for all to see. -St. Theresa P.S. It is not funny to make jokes of others, even if you are doing it as a joke. (Editor's note: this is the funniest fucking thing I've ever read.) - Saint KaPow P.S. I'll try to be less funny and more openly hostile like you guys. Seen here: "Fuck you, Brothers of Shit."

Saint Luke reflects on his place in God's world. You can tell from the determined look in his eyes that this will be an exceptionally dangerous day for the surrounding sinners.

From: Saint Lyle Pavalko "THE LORD WILL SMOTE YOU TO THE DIRTY GROUND" MR RILY IM WRITING THIS LETTER TO INFORM YOU OF YOUR INEVITIBEL DOOM. AT THE HANDS OF THE LORD YOU WILL SURELY PERRISH. IF YOU DO NOT COMPLY WITH OUR WISHES, THE LORD WILL SMOTE YOU TO THE DIRTY GROUND. THERE, YOU WILL FEEL AT HOME WITH ALL THE DIRTY CREATURES. WE THE BROTHERS ARE GROWING RAPIDLY. WHAT ONCE WAS A GROUP OF TEN MEMBERS HAS GROWN TO FOURTY. SOON WE WILL HAVE MANY MORE. SOON WE WILL BE UNSTOPPABEL. IF YOU DO NOT IMPROVE YOUR PAGE TO MAKE IT HOLY, AS STPETER HAS SO INSTRUCTED, THE LORD WILL SHOW YOU PAIN AND SUFFERING LIKE YOU HAVE NEVER FELT BEFORE. YES, HE IS A FORGIVIGN GOD, BUT HE IS ALSO A CRUEL GOD. REMEMBER THAT. STLUKE REMEMBER TO PRAY TO THE LORD FOR FORGIVENESS This message reeks of "made-up," but in the unlikely case that my soul really was in danger of these people's God (known as ReeTar, Lord of the Handicapped), I sent him this timeless expression of love: Subject: Dance Dance wherever you may be IT GOOD TO HERE FROM BRUTHERS AGAN ITHAS BEEN ALONG TIME. FUOURY MEMBERS?! CONGRTULATIOASKN! I was wondering, could you show me examples of your nearly-unstoppable oranization's work? I know you're just a fat kid registering hotmail accounts, but could you at least make up some kind of page that you had an effect on? Please forward the following to all forty members: "Dear brothers, Thank you for standing by your cause. In your honor, I shall place a picture of Charlton Heston, Hollywood's Moses, on each of my pages. There are many, so it may be a matter of years before I get to them all. Also, I may modify the idea by putting up photos of high ranking Planet of the Apes soldiers. Let me know what God thinks about this, he won't return my calls ever since I threw a hotdog at him at our last picnic and called him "Weiner Target!" Me and some friends also filled his locker with half-dissected frogs we stole from Biology: the Fundamental Beauties of Life." - Brother Seanbaby

Saint Francis sent this picture in along with the suggestion to make the caption say "BOIINNGG!" That's why the other Saints call him "God's Comedian."

From: St. Francis Putnam "To even write to you, we must have permission from St. Peter, but I have gone without that this one time to make my point." Seanbaby, I just joined the Brothers of the Internet. I joined because I heard God calling my name and telling me my purpose. So I have accepted it and am now doing what He told me. While I do agree with the purpose of the Brothers-- to clean up trashy pages on the Internet-- I do not agree with the ravings of St. Peter and some of the other more fanatical Brothers. I believe in peace and harmony, and preaching with these methods. I do not agree with the "fire and brimstone" methods of some others. To even write to you, we must have permission from St. Peter, but I have gone without that this one time to make my point. Just end this once and for all. Stop the childish bickering and arguing. Simply do what we ask -- a simple thing -- and it will be over. It chills my spine to see what has transpired thus far. St. Francis P.S. Never give in to Satan...it is not too late. Ha ha ha, this Saint is so gaaaay!!! This page will now be kept up forever in memory of the kind-hearted chilly-spined St. Francis, who has been killed by his God colleauges. Since this page has been up, God has instructed the BROTHERS to constantly have a Saint on duty monitoring it. But sin-haters, don't worry - it didn't slow down the outgoing stream of letters since their time schedule still had a hole where "PRAY FOR SEANBABY TIME" used to be. It did mean the doom of St. Francis, though. Only 20 short seconds after I posted his letter, St. Peter was informed (by Saint TattleTail) of the impudence of one of his followers and sentenced St. Francis to 5 minutes in the cult's Hell Oven. The group normally uses the Hell Oven* to fire pottery which is then glazed, filled with bath oils, and presented to the Lord along with assorted fruits and soaps. Poor St. Francis did not survive his time of atonement in the fiery innards of the kiln. Religious hand puppets speculate he is now burning in hell for eternity for breaking God and St. Peter's fundamental rule - Don't be nice to Seanbaby. *The Hell Oven is also used as a warning device for young BROTHERS. Example: "Do you really think God wants that down your pants? Now put St. Theresa's chipmunk back in the Feel Good Funtime Room before the HELL OVEN comes to get you!"

I saw this and wrote God my first letter: "Thanks, God! Earth is great. Today we made hamburgers. Wish you were here!"

From: Saint Peter O'Mally "it seems like you dont og ho try to clean it up, as PORNOGROPHY is a DISGUSTING SIN. you're whoile life is this to." i canot comprehend you lack of MORALS! if you feel we like being on your page, you are WRONG. we do not want to be asociated with your DIRTY page. yes, we do make it more HOLY by being present on it but when you put us next to pictures of naked SLUTWHORES, DIRTY AND UNPURE, you tarnish our name and the name of GOD. it is not attention we seek, seanbaby. we want nothing more than to go about our business and clean up the interent. when you make US seem like the EVIL ones, you are really pushing GOD's buttons, i would imagne. it seems like you dont og ho try to clean it up, as PORNOGROPHY is a DISGUSTING SIN. you're whoile life is this to. you have disgraced our good name, even if YOU beleive we are not there, we are and GOD IS. AFTER all, there is still AIR, even if you don't beleive it, correct, are? also, tell your FOLLOWERS to stop sending us mail, as we choose which paths to take or GOD chooses for us. we do not want mail from more sinners such as you. and they are obvios falsehoods anyway. PRAY. PEACE BE WITH YOU st peter This letter is as disappointing as slipping your hand into that hot cheerleader's bra and instead of being greeted by a firm erect nipple ready to chant out the letters in your name, you yank out a wad of sweaty kleenex. I put in a lot of work on this page. After all the hours of cutting and pasting text, downloading naked women, breaking to violently masturbate, downloading more naked women, and resonding to all the groups letters, the only response I get is this screaming thing typed by an illiterate's elbows? Couldn't you have at least pasted my head onto a little devil body and painted it on the side of your church's bus? And that's grape juice and Wonder bread. The only way that's the blood and flesh of Jesus Christ is if he was a giant soggy jelly sandwich. Your group worships a drippy Fruit of the Loom mascot, and your leader can't even speak his native language. Fuck you guys.