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 Bizarro wasn't just a stupid Superman. Bizarro am idiot savant. He may go into his garage saying, "Me Beezarro go now bathroom explore! Make Beezarro newsPAPER PI-rat hat FOR super birth-DAY dance!", but he's going to come out with a nucleoid space-time reverberator ray that runs on air and has an attractive mock-leather carrying case. This is a guy who can play with a gum wrapper for nine hours, and he's inventing things that could kick the crap out of Stephen Hawking's wheelchair. He's like those autistic kids that can factor huge numbers and recreate any music they hear, or like those fat people that can levitate if they believe in themselves hard enough. Bizarro was an inspiration. If someone that stupid could invent a laser blaster, think of all the people we could kill with our fancy education and working brains. The Super Friends are still fucking around with a computer that can barely melt cheese on their sandwich, and they drive around in a '72 cadillac with batfins glued to it. Bizarro could smash some nuts and bolts together, kick them into a pile of trash and come up with better inventions than the Super Friends' entire research and development team. He just won't be able to form a sentence well enough to explain what the fuck it is until he shoots you with it.  I don't think they should dress Bizarro exactly like Superman. When they go into a fight, he's going to be standing next to a clumsy gorilla with a bag of hand grenades. You don't want a guy on your team dressed exactly like the one you're trying to kill. He and Superman are flying around at thousands of miles an hour-- you don't have time to check to see if the one you're aiming at with your death beam has lines on his face.
There was actually an entire square Bizarro world made up of "imperfect clones of Superman and Lois Lane." They all had numbers taped to their chests so they could tell each other apart, everything was backwards, and it was all a staggering social commentary. What better to way to look inside yourself than to see a planet of robot people that are your opposite. For example, where we say, "News! Read all about it!", they'll say, "Bizarro news! DON'T read all about it!" Where we say, "I'm going to kill you" they say, "Me am lick you." Are we better people for killing instead of licking? Maybe... just maybe... we are the bizarros.SUPER RATING: 8 He's as tough as the regular Superman, just more fun to listen to. As far as I can tell, he could shove our planet into the sun if he ever took himself away from building sand castles and insane super devices. Bizarro seemed to have a good time fighting justice and goodness. He took that extra ten minutes to zap people with weird ray guns instead of just kicking their heads off. It's like this: anyone can get across the country quickly by flying in a plane, but wouldn't it be more stylish and fun if you took a unicycle? You could juggle and wave to kids from it. You'd be the star of the sidewalk, and inspire the music of a generation. Meanwhile, some guy in a tie is sitting in first class on a foam pillow and drinking flat champagne. Enjoy your peanuts, yuppie, I'll be down here on my cross-country unicycle wheeling my way into the nation's heart.   I never understood why they left him at home so often. Maybe the Legion of Doom resented him for having more powers than a bad outfit and a psychosis. My brother and I weren't experts on taking over universes when we were kids, but even as amateur super villain critics, we were pretty damn sure bringing along people with actual super powers would have helped in a fight. Or a bake sale, or whatever dipshit thing the Legion of Doom thought would make them rulers of the universe that week.  |
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