Another mighty incarnation of the Super Friends. Note the blue monkey they dressed up in a cape and tights. Yeah, it's really cute, but all that does is give Aqua Man something good to grab onto while he slams another super pet against the Hall of Justice walls. So if Darkseid wasn't taking over the universe, at least they could go watch some senseless comedic violence. Wait a second, is that monkey checking out Wonder Woman's ass? Get him, Aqua Man! Teach him the real power of fish communication! Oh Jesus. Hey, Zan. Go clean some of that monkey mess off the Trouble Alert. The Brazilian ambassador is trying to tell us about a runaway rattle snake and a little boy that's lost his puppy and doesn't feel like walking anymore. This looks like a job for the Super Friends!

"Purrrrfect. My pants are rrrrriding up rrreally high."

If Cheetah has any super powers, she fooled me. Judging by her name, I always figured she was fast. However, after carefully reviewing her past altercations, I have concluded that she is just a chick in a spotted cat costume that got her membership on the Legion of Doom in exchange for deviant sexual favors for Lex Luthor. I'm not going to go into detail, but the episode called "The Super Friends vs. The Erotic Head Wax" was one of the more adult oriented ones. FAVORITE SCENE: The Quick Witted Kitten As her and two other members of the Legion of Doom entered the center of the Earth to search for the Monolith of Evil, they encountered a giant creature made out of magma. Cheetah screamed, "Oh no! It's a lava monster!" while remaining strangely motionless. I guess she didn't run since she was so confident her cat pajamas would protect her from any molten attack. I had a similar technique when I was a kid and used my bed sheet as a shield against monsters. However, it only takes one drunken parent in a wolfman mask with a baseball bat before you figure out that doesn't work. SUPER RATING: 4 She's completely useless in a fight, doesn't have the mind for any decent criminal plans, and like most of her colleagues, has no super powers. But she's hot. And I would have even given her a higher Super Rating if she didn't do that fucking Eartha Kitt purring voice all the time. Oh, and I think it's funny that she's trying to take over a universe using a stupid leopard costume and a silly voice as her weapons.

The Flash is so fast, one second to us is approximately 105 years to him. He spends all this extra time to exclaim clever things during fights like, "Only a fraction of a second to react! No time to dodge!" Someday he might stop kidding around, at which point he could cover each member of the Legion of Doom with burning skull tatoos and glue their eyelids shut before they could finish the first syllable of "The world is ours!! What? Curses! The Super Friends!" He's still handy to have around in case you need someone to make strange comments about molecules and wave their arms around. Plus, he's a great tool for the writers to more efficiently destroy any concept of physics and science the children watching might have had. FAVORITE SCENE: The Flash's Hidden Abilities: The Super Friends make a mass exit from the Hall of Justice. Most of the team can fly, and as they are all soaring away in a single file line, I notice that the flying man taking up the rear is... Flash. I have two theories. It might have been Hawkgirl in a costume, or the animators had their heads in each other's asses again. It's a negligible error, though. At least the Flash wasn't leaving on a mission to rescue himself (which has happened to about 8 other members of the team). SUPER RATING: 6 He's arguably got some of the best powers, but he prefers standing still and making obvious comments to actually using them. And the badly dressed sidekick, Kid Flash, is cliche even for this group of people.

"A little high speed molecular action should make me go next!"

"Roof! Rive it ro re Rarvin!" Translation: "Hi kids! Save me from Aqua Man! He beats me."

Wonder Dog is exactly what he looks like. A dog in a cape. His only super power is the ability to make you want to slowly torture him. In fact, he is the reason almost 14 people watched the first season of the Super Friends - to see if a super villain would finally put the damn dog in a blender. Don't tell me you didn't fantasize about some evil mad scientist wearing goggles and a cape that smells of dog surrounded by flying puppy chunks. And before you mindlessly respond to this with "Gross," think about the original concept that spawned this disgusting caped dog. That's gross. FAVORITE SCENE: The Leg Humper After an unsuccessful mission, Aqua Man returns home tired and hungry for some soy based tuna substitute. He fights his way through the other Super Friends' mocking and thrown objects, and makes it to the refrigerator. As he starts to open it, the door bursts open and Wonder Dog leaps out. Then he starts humping Aqua Man's leg. SUPER RATING: 0 If anyone thought I was going to give this fucking dog anything more than the lowest possible score, you haven't been listening to a god damn thing I said. But I guess it might not be its fault so much. It's only a dog. You can't expect a lot of quality crime fighting from your pet when all you give it is a cape and some stern lectures. At least Space Ghost gave his sidekick monkey an Inviso-Belt.

This is Hadji. He, like all people from India, can perform bizarre acts of mind over matter with yoga. Also, like all people from India, he is not a Super Friend. Sorry, Hadji! But it takes a little more than a turban and some fancy rope tricks to make this selective cut! Maybe if you could promise to bring along Bandit, put on some bell bottoms, and ride a giant fish they would let you join. FAVORITE SCENE: Rodeo Hadji A fun rodeo excursion turned deadly after Race got thrown from his bull. The bull started to charge the white haired bodyguard, who said something like, "That bull's as angry as a two headed chicken on slaughter day in an Alabaman whore house!" Race slipped, and the bull smashed into him. And trust me, if something can take out Race Bannon, you're not going to be able to stop it without Mechagodzilla. But then Hadji proved me wrong by leaping from the stands and using his secret Indian mind powers to make the bull calm down. Unfotuneately, before he could give a deliberately mysterious speech on how non-violent combat was so great, the bull was horribly shredded by firearms, and his ear given to a young lady in the audience. The audience then trampled Hadji to tear meat off the bull to feed their neglected children back at the trailer park. SUPER RATING: 7 I think almost any little Indian boy with a towel on their head could take out the Legion of Doom. It's a good thing their plans always involve shrinking military bases or releasing half a dozen robot conquerors. If they messed with 7-11's, shopkeepers would release their armies of magical children and the Legion of Doom would disappear in a cloud of turbans and lamb curry.

"Jonny! Jonny! I believe I am a Super Friend! Sim Sim Sa La Bim!"

"I am the true ruler of the seas! And I will defeat you, Aqua Man!"

Black Manta never had a chance from the start. His arch nemesis is Aqua Man. Yeah, the one on the sea horse in his underwear. Black Manta's super abilities include stupid helmet wearing, metallic voice, and boat driving. He might also be a good swimmer, but according to Petey Potowski, a member of his third grade special ed class, Black Manta used to eat paste. Years later, he used his love of swashbuckling novels and his experience as a dishwasher at Red Lobster to become a badly dressed pirate on the high seas. The Legion of Doom were happy to snatch him up to counter the destructive powers of Aqua Man. I thought this was a bad move on their part. Why didn't they just get one of those old guys from a fishin' show. Goll-ee, those ol' boys could reel in a little blonde boy in chain mail quicker'n you c'n grease up a piggy! Open a can, Gus! We're gonna catch us a little fish fella! FAVORITE SCENE: A Great Pirate and a Combat Fighter? During a fight with Aqua Man, Black Manta pulls out two small hooks. He screams, "I still have these, golden hair!" and starts swinging them at Aqua Man's empty head. Aqua Man ducks. This exact sequence goes on for about five more minutes. I don't know if Black Manta is simply the world's worst fighter, or if the animators didn't have time to draw that third frame of animation. It doesn't really matter since most people will just remember about the fight is the brutal insult, "Golden Hair." SUPER RATING: 1 And this is generous. Mostly I gave it to him because of his cool helmet and the fact that nothing can embarrass him. Because when your arch nemesis pals around with a little clapping walrus and Aqua Lad, you have no shame.

Who decided the Super Friends needed Hawkman? His super power resume included wings. Doesn't every one on this fucking team fly? Along with an average of four or five other super powers? The answer is yes, Hawk Man. You should form your own group of 10 year old children where you might actually have abilities that won't be shrugged at. The coolest thing about Hawk Man, though, is that he has no idea. He thinks he's the toughest member, and he'll say things like, "I'll handle this one!" Someday, the rest of the team will stop being so polite and finally demote him to janitor so they don't have to keep rescuing him. FAVORITE SCENE: The Forgetful Writers Part 893,982,041 In an outer space repair mission, Hawkman absent mindedly jumps into space without any sort of respiratory or propulsion equipment. Luckily, the writers also forgot that wings don't work in space, and that humans can't breathe in a vaccuum. This alone saved Hawkman's life. SUPER RATING: 1 Tying Black Manta and Aqua Man, Hawkman's abilities are very respected by people injured in falls, but are hilariously dwarfed by his colleagues.

"My abilities make me equipped to handle any problem! I am Hawkman!"

"I've been away from the rays of the sun for too long... my strength... ebbing. Wait... solar energy recharging me! Biiiiirrrrrrddddd Maaaannnn!!!!!"

The star of quite possibly the most entertaining cartoon of all time, Bird Man would destroy the Super Friends. Sure he would have to get captured, run out of solar power, get rescued by Bird Boy and Avenger, and recharge his power in the sun first, but then he would win. He would spend the next week waiting patiently by his console for Falcon 7 to announce another mishapen villain's wicked plot. You know, in between the wild parties with Mick Jagger and Farrah Fawcett at Studio 54. FAVORITE SCENE: Impossible to Decide I'm Bird Man's biggest fan. I have seen every episode hundreds of times, I write Falcon 7 fan mail, and I have "Seanbaby + Avenger" stickers all over my lunch box. I could narrow my favorite scenes down to about 50, but my favorite outfit is definitely the villain, Professor Klaw's. He wears a jumpsuit with a handkerchief around his neck. On the handkerchief is a picture of a fork, but most people that see him think it looks like Taco Time's logo. Combine this with the fact that he's a midget with a huge head and horn rim glasses, and it's hard to make it through his speeches without passing out from laughter. No seriously, it looks like a fucking Taco Time scarf. I love that show. Super Rating: 10. Bird Man rules.

With the exception of Jayna and Wendy, Wonder Woman is the only female ever to be a Super Friend. Unless you count Rema, the jungle princess, who showed up in about two episodes to humilate herself in her turquoise cavewoman costume. This lack of women supports my theory that Samurai is holding all of the females captive in his "love den." Wonder Woman is constantly escaping since the animators forgot to draw a lock on the door. Jayna can't get free since she's in a deep catatonic state of depression without her bucket of water brother, and Wendy simply never figured out how to open a door, locked or not. FAVORITE SCENE: A Lesson in Gravity The space shuttle was being pulled helplessly towards the sun. As it was nearing its fiery disaster, Wonder Woman had to do some fast thinking. She decided against that, and instead flew around the space shuttle very quickly in her invisible jet. The Super Friends narrator excitedly read, "Spinning around it at incredible speeds, Wonder Woman turns the space shuttle into its own planet, with its own gravity! Propelling it away from the sun!" And I know this is very theoretical physics, and I can't prove that it wouldn't work, but from what I've read about invisible planes and artificial gravity in Science Journals, I'm going to go out on a limb and suggest this not be the standard procedure for saving space shuttles falling into the sun. SUPER RATING: 6 Her skills and gadgets include a magic truth lasso, indestructable Feminine bracelets, super strength, and invisible flight instrument readout reading. The lasso is my favorite, especially after that time she threw it on Robin, and he started talking about all of the crazy fantasies he has... their bloomers discarded on the floor with her wearing only his utility belt and tied to the front of the Batmobile with her own magic lasso. Then he honestly told her how many times he's masturbated while thinking about her. This is how they ended most of the shows - everyone laughing at Robin's candid description of his masturbation technique. Of course, the show was re-tooled to be more responsible children's programming by the time the first season started.

"Merciful Minerva! I'm the standard by which Seanbaby judges females!"

"Kasimodo ni hyaku, Wonder Woman. Come upstairs. Very nice there. Rove nest." "Get your hand off my ass, Samurai. I will beat you like you're Wonder Dog."

Samurai may not be the lady's man that Solomon Grundy is, but he does have a very impressive fashion sense: Green briefs with a matching deep plunging v-neck tunic. His costume was originally chosen on accident when he flew through Green Lantern's curtains naked. You don't even want to know the circumstances surrounding that event. Anyway, Samurai was the Japanese representative of the team, and would sometimes forget what language to use in situations of mild excitement. When he did start speaking his native tongue, he did it in a Chicago accent and pronounced everything wrong. Most of his dialogue sounded like a bad 70's cartoon voice reading ramen ingredients. FAVORITE SCENE: All True Samurai Know Pac Man A wicked plot led a small group of Super Friends into a giant Pac Man game. As Superman forgot he was invincible and was about to be eaten by Pac Man, Samurai flew up to the only panel on the wall. Sure enough, it was the emergency, "Shut down the villainous machine and let the heroes escape" button installed in easy to reach places of every Legion of Doom device. After this extraordinary feat, Samurai proudly says, "A true Samurai not only knows the past traditions of his people, but the modern ones." And after some research I found out that a daily Samurai training schedule goes: Origami, Sword Slashing, Nintendo, Sushi Making, Food Preservation, White Water Rafting, Nap, Pretty Time Dress Up, Hand to Hand Combat, Ettiquitte. SUPER RATING: 3 He was hard to judge since each show would make up some new powers for him depending on what he mispronounced in Japanese. Mostly he just sneaks off to capture more little girls for his harem of female prisoners. That's why the Super Friends have to get all of their girl scout cookies through mail order now.

Cyborg was sort of a combination of a lawn mower, and a character from Saved by the Bell. He was created from Robin's arhaic handheld video game systems, and the remaining parts of the no longer profitable Colonel Steve Austin. As Super Friends entered its final season, Cyborg was the character nearly every show was based around. America delighted to 30 minutes of Cyborg switching his amazing robot hands around every weekend. This really pissed Darkseid off since he was the one getting defeated by it. He could deal with getting beaten by Superman, but getting stopped this damn teenager built out of primative technology Darkseid laughed 500 years ago was really embarrassing. FAVORITE SCENE: Hey, Screw You Guys In his first week at the Hall of Justice, the other Super Friends would jam bread in him and make him toast it. Apache Chief would stick magnets on his back and El Dorado forced him to act as a television antannae to get Sabado Super Impacto, a topless Mexican variety show. The final straw for Cyborg was when he was unplugged by Gleek and woke up in a puddle of what his sensors told him was monkey pee. SUPER RATING: 5 He's got attachments he can put on the end of his arm for any occasion. Jayna really likes the Titanium Pleasure Arm. That is, of course, before the episode "The Super Friends vs. The Disastrous Sex Game." Okay, you caught me. I made that up.

"What in blazes?! I sound just like Ernie Hudson!"

"I'm a level 3 magic user! I rolled a twenty, and made my Saving Throw Versus Dork Slap!"

Presto was not a Super Friend. He was annoying enough to be one, but on his way to the Super Friend Sidekick Tryouts, he stopped at a carnival and was transported to a magical new world of 12 sided dice and vorpal swords +5. He could have been the next Marvin, but now he's busy pulling the wrong thing out of his stupid magic hat on an adenture given to him by a midget named "Dungeon Master." He would have been perfect for those Super Friends missions when Jayna and Zan just didn't make the team look stupid enough. FAVORITE SCENE: I was like 6 Jesus, I don't remember. His show was on for about two weekends before another network realized the Dungeons and Dragons demographic could not support an entire 30 minute show. I do remember his friends who destroyed hordes of monsters with seismic clubs, invincible shields, laser bows, and invisible cloaks while he was busy pulling rubber chickens and "God is my co-pilot" bumper stickers out of his hat. And I remember saying things like, "Hey mom, get in here and check out how fucking stupid this show i- *OW!* Stop hitting me!" SUPER RATING: 2 Although his only power is being a dork and always doing the wrong thing, he is still not as good at either of those as Aqua Man is. You nut, Presto! You've pulled my heart out of your hat! I love you!

Mxyzptlk got his name by randomly typing it on a giant typewriter. I know it's not as good an origin story as Superman in the yellow sun, but it's the best you get, you bitch. In real life, the story of this almost likeable character is much more compelling. The writers were sitting in a small office and going through some of the spelling tests they had recently taken in their English as a third language GED equivalency night school class. "Mxyzptlk" is how one of them spelled "Potato." The teacher marked it in red ink, "Cloze enuff, dickhead." Another commented (using a series of grunts and pelvic thrusts), "Me think good bad guy make this name." Just then, a 70 year old midget in an orange dress burst in through the window and screamed, "Make him look like me!" At least that's the story I heard on PBS' documentary on Mentally Handicapped Writers in America. No wait. This was just what happened in a dream I had after the Spice Girls were done washing my car nude. And everyone had carrots for heads. SUPER RATING: 4 He's the toughest creature in the universe as far as I can tell, and the only way to get him to leave back to his dimension is to get him to say his name backwards. If I were an ultimately powerful interdimensional being (and I'm not saying I'm not), I don't think I would have a problem with this. It's pretty rare for "kltpzyxm" to come up in a conversation. You hear it less than, "Man, we could really use Hawk Man right now." I think if it was my only weakness, I might try to make it especially unlikely for me to say it. Of course, I've never had to deal with the cunning plans of the Super Friends. They might do something ingenious like hand me a card with my name on it and say, "I dare you to read this backwards. it's for... a report."

"Oh! Thanks for the can of 'kltpzyxm' soup... Oh shit."

"It will take a lot more than a non pronouncably named midget to stop my destructo-ray!"

Space Ghost almost joined the Super Friends, but eventually was denied membership because he refused to join without Jan, Jayce, and Flip. The Super Friends claimed they already had enough kids and monkeys. And Robin didn't like Space Ghost's ship, the Phantom Cruiser, because it had a "scary name." Later on, when the team acquired Hawkman, they realized their mistake, but Space Ghost was too busy having a bad interview with Carrot Top to return the Super Friends' calls. FAVORITE SCENE: Bonk! An evil space frog knew that universal conquest would never be within his grasp as long as Space Ghost is out there. So he comes up with a plan to lure Space Ghost into a trap by faking a distress call. Space Ghost shows up and while he's looking around, the frog walks up behind him and hits him with a monkey wrench. I think it's great that in the future age of freeze blasts, laser guided cannons, and ultra doomsday devices, the best plan is to go bonk someone on the head with a wrench. SUPER RATING: 5 He walks into traps like he was Bird Man, he's slow witted, and most of his villains are just bugs or guys in funny hats. But he hangs out with Brak. That was worth a few points on the Super Rating Scale.

Toy Man must have had some sort of accident as a child because he never really outgrew daipers and action figures. Obviously, I'm not one to talk since I'm typing this right now dressed as a baby with Snake Eyes, Man at Arms, and Caitlin Fairchild hanging from my earrings. So I'm not saying playing with toys is wrong, it's just not something that makes you a good villain. Toy Man constantly proves this by spending months putting together hopeless plans based around giant teddy bears and remote control hover crafts. Then he spends another few weeks rehearsing his terrible jokes and whiny voice before finally launching his attack. The Legion of Doom wanted to fire him and replace him with an evil monkey (something capable of dealing with Gleek), but Solomon Grundy voted against it. He likes to pick Toy Man up and smash him into little fire trucks. "Pcchuuu! Pcchuu! Solomon Grundy like to play with man toy! Him bump fire engine with head! Solomon Grundy stronger than Super Friends!" The Legion members just couldn't find it in their evil hearts to take away Solomon's favorite toy. FAVORITE SCENE: The Rapist Like Wit It was another intense plan to destroy the Super Friends. Most of the Legion of Doom had no good reason for this, and were only doing it since it's what their evil pamphlets told them to do. However, we gained valuable insight to Toy Man's character when he announced his motivation. He said he wanted money to buy all the toy stores in the world. When someone mentioned how the Legion of Doom was going to get rich, Toy Man squealed, "And it won't be PLAY MONEY!!! HA HA HA HA!!!" Oh man, I almost pissed my pants. I can't believe Toy Man's joke book, "These Don't Even Resemble Jokes, but I Laugh After Them Anyway," only sold 4 copies. SUPER RATING: 2 He tied Brainiac and Samurai for the Best Dressed, beat out Apache Chief for Cheesiest Voice, and crushed all competitors in the Shitty Jokes category. Rumors indicate he might be Waffle, a disgruntled elf that left Santa's service after some sort of Mrs. Claus sexual scandal.

"Ha ha! Those super fools are falling right into my giant toy box of sort of close to deadly traps!"

Gikkitikkidikdik!" Translation: "Why in the name of Christ am I blue, you bastards?"

This is Gleek. He filled the void every cartoon has until they get a monkey on the show. He had no powers other than the ability to chitter like a squirrel, but he took on the role of transport engineer specialist whenever Zan turned into water and needed to get carried around by a monkey with a bucket. FAVORITE SCENE: That God Damn Monkey The Super Friends had to go on a stealth mission into Black Manta's submarine. Gleek talked them into letting him come by saying something like "gigglegigglegiggle." It was convincing, and he was added to the strike team. Within 20 seconds of the mission, he had slipped and through a series of slapstick accidents, knocked Jayna and Zan into the water and put Batman and Robin in a fishing net. They eventually worked it out, but I was surprised that no one seemed to notice that Gleek almost got everyone killed. Maybe everyone realized it was their own fault for letting a fucking monkey come with them, but they still should have said something or hit him with a rolled up newspaper. My monkey bloodlust was satisfied later when Gleek splatted a well flung turd on Aqua Man's head. An indescribably messy fight started, and Gleek got skewered with a sword fish. It was probably the only time I ever said, "All right, Aqua Man!" without the sarcasm. SUPER RATING: 0 They should have stuffed this little blue chimp in a gas tank and lit him on fire years ago. Being evolutionarily inferior does not make you a super hero. Nor does having a strange skin condition.

Green Lantern had the most powerful weapon in the universe that was limited only by his imagination. Usually, the best he can think of is making a big hand and shoving a bad guy or making a pointy hat for a birthday party. But there was a weakness to this incredible power. When the writers remembered, the color yellow could counteract the green power of his ring. This was exploited by many criminal organizations, and after all the anti-Green Lantern equipment they bought, you couldn't find yellow paint or a banana costume anywhere in this country. FAVORITE SCENE: *Yawn!* I'll just move the Earth Sinestro threatened the Earth with three giant yellow meteors. Green Lantern said, "I'll go take care of them!" and flew off before anyone could say, "No, you idiot, they're yellow!" Green Lantern gets to space and encounters Sinestro who was hiding in another dimension. He sticks Green Lantern in a bubble and flings him across the universe. Eventually, the bubble goes fast enough it chroma-shifts to a different color, and Green Lantern can break free. He flies back, finally realizes he can't do anything about the meteors, and decides to yank the Earth out of the way. And if you think this was all an elaborate Legion of Doom plan to slightly alter the Earth's climate, you're right. SUPER RATING: 8 After Green Lantern thoughtlessly pulled the Earth out of the sun's orbit and caused billions of deaths, the people of our planet started a petition to make it so a person this stupid shouldn't be in control of such a powerful device. Switzerland did their part to prevent another incident by covering their entire country with yellow Laffee Taffee wrappers. This led to even more deaths as prolonged exposure to the jokes on the wrappers increased domestic violence by 1800%.

"My power ring should have enabled me to go much sooner! If only that Toy Man fiend wasn't wearing yellow!"

"My intellect combined with Black Manta's might will destroy the Super Friends!"

If Lex Luthor can be a super villain, anybody can. He's paved the way for arrogant high school dropouts with no powers to put on spandex and take over universes. There will be a movie of the week coming out very soon about him, "A Villain's Triumph. The Lex Luthor Story." It will star Lorenzo Lamas, Mario Lopez, and Carmen Electra, with Telly Savalis playing the part of Lex Luthor himself. Here is a sample of the dialogue: Grodd: "Luthor! You have conquered the Super Friends with your superior intellect! But how can you still care about Sinestro when I've been everything for you!" Lex Luthor: "Who loves ya, baby?" It will be heart warming yet rivetting like every good TV movie should be. Look for it soon on the Lifetime channel. FAVORITE SCENE: Lex Houdini One of Toy Man's giant robots gets screwed up and grabs the entire Legion of Doom in its huge hands. The Super Friends surrounded them and started to make fun of them. That's when Luthor's ingenious plan kicked in. He had Brainiac hit a button to turn the Legion invisible. And even though this didn't solve the problem of them being stuck in the robot hand, the Super Friends didn't think of this, and they left. Ninety five percent of every one of Luthor's plan depends on the Super Friends being really really stupid. SUPER RATING: 3 He is the leader of the Legion of Doom, so he got some credit just for keeping them from killing each other. If I was in a room with a zombie, a talking gorilla, an eskimo with a gun, and a number of poster children for different mental disorders, I don't know how I would keep a fight from starting. I guess I'd start with hugs and songs.

Robin won the "Become a real super hero" raffle at St. Lickme middle school and was originally taken in by Batman to help Alfred do the laundry. The Super Friends then recruited Robin as a tool to teach the children of America that it's okay to forget to put on your pants. He tried to disguise himself with his little mask, but you know there's hundreds of Catholic priests out there that would recognize that tight Robin ass anywhere. You're going to have to try a little harder with the next disguise, Boy Wonder. Actually, his next disguise was as a cheerleader for the Los Angeles Lakers. That's right, that short one with the mask is actually TV's Robin! FAVORITE SCENE: Wee Wee Dance In what is now looked back on as a mistake by Hanna Barbera, they had one season where they tied together each show with a running joke of Robin having to go to the bathroom. He would writhe and hold his crotch until finally he finally exited to the Batmobile where we heard an off camera sigh of relief. This continued until the Super Friends carwashing crew went on strike. SUPER RATING: 2 No one liked Robin. Not even Wonder Dog. That might be why Apache Chief used him as dental floss.

"Holy missing pants, Batman! I feel a draft!"

"I'm the ever lovin' blue eyed Thing! It's Clobberin' Time! (tm)"

The Thing is too busy with the Fantastic Four to visit the Super Friends very often, but when he does, he always brings lots of Hostess pies to share with whatever animals those freaks dressed up in little capes. Also, the Fantastic Four have enough problems just getting through the day without killing themselves, so don't expect the Thing to become a Super Friend anytime soon. Especially with all the sexual tension between him and that big walrus that Jayna turns into. Yeah. You'd be amazed at the things that happen after a few bottles of Gleek's home brew over at the Hall of Justice. FAVORITE SCENE: What the Fuck? The Fantastic Four leave on an apartment finding mission to Mole Man's island. They get out of their giant Fantasticar and start to explore. Suddenly, their ship falls into the ocean. The Human Torch goes in after it. Ignoring the fact that he probably can't lift a 30 ton ship, he shouldn't have done this for the simple reason that water puts out his fire. Sure enough, he is quickly doused and starts to sink helplessly to the murky depths of the ocean. The Thing grabs Mr. Fantastic who stretches down to get the extinguished retard's body. When they pull him up, Invisible Girl says, "Oh Johnny! I'm so glad you're all right!" And as their mission continues, it's strange that nobody mentioned to Torch how this might not have been a good idea. The Thing should have at least said, "Wow, you're a fucking idiot, Johnny! I thought you'd be pushin' up daisies for sure after that halfwit stunt! No, seriously, what were you thinking? I'd call it stupid, but I don't wanna insult the adjective 'stupid.'" SUPER RATING: 5 His battle cries and strange dialect might have cost him a couple of points. But go back to Yancy Street, ya yahoo! 'nuff said! Man, that orange bastard annoys the hell out of me.

If you take everyone and add their powers together, you're still not quite as tough as Superman. Because of this, any school kid that showed potential for crime was given three hundred pounds of kryptonite to even things out. When they attained the full rank of criminal mastermind and were given their funny hat and mask, they also got a gift certificate to Burlington's Kryptonite Factory where they could get it fashioned into whatever their favorite weapon or bondage device was. FAVORITE SCENE: Mailing Black Holes A black hole was falling towards Earth like they always do, and the Super Friends had to decide on who would fix it. Since Robin was in gym class and Hawk Man was signing autographs at the auto show, they decided that maybe Superman should take care of it. He flew off and thought outloud, "If I fly around it fast enough, I might send it to another dimension!" In a surge of realism, it didn't work and he fell into the black hole. But it was a much better plan than what I would have done. Which would be to panic and start a riot. SUPER RATING: 10 The son of Jor-el gets the highest possible rating and if he wasn't allergic to the chunks of his old planet, he might have gotten more done than kill children imitating him by jumping off their roofs.

"Great Krypton! This guy has kyrptonite too?"

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