Effectiveness: 2/10 Captain Tootsie woke up one morning and decided it was he and his candy's responsibility to teach the world about science, so he often ruined his adventures with educational bullshit. No kid reading a comic book ever said, "I can't wait to see how Batman is going to kill the giant squi--wait, what's this about Tootsie Rolls? And hold on, what's this now about radar?" It required so many miracles of time, space, and birth defects for a kid to finish reading a Captain Tootsie ad that it's no wonder that most of us grew up not knowing how important candy is in an emergency. It wasn't until the late nineties before 911 dispatchers were issued Tootsie Rolls, and did you know that some primitive countries still have their fire hydrants hooked up to water instead of delicious candy? Rescue Effort: 1/10 If I ever need to get rescued by a group of toddlers and a man with a yellow purse whose only extraction plan is to quickly eat Tootsie Rolls, just let me explode with the god damn plane. Suspicious Behavior: 9/10 Take a look at the Secret Legion for a second. The Secret Legion is three 8 year olds, and one of them is fat. Why in the name of fuck would a rescue worker bring three second graders and a bag of candy to a downed plane? I'll tell you this: if Captain Tootsie isn't a pedophile, he has a lot of explaining to do.