February 21st - Special Science Report: Cloning Cloning has been everywhere since scientists created a genetic duplicate of a sheep back in 1997. They named it Dolly, after the same plush training device they all used as children to practice kissing on. Some of the scientists are still licking Dollies today, explaining with a nudge that some day it will come in "extremely handy to the third power." In Japan, clone-crazy scientists created a clone of an already cloned bull. It was a simple process of taking the nucleus out of an unfertilized egg, shoving in skin they shaved off the original's ear, and putting the mess into the uterus of a surrogate cow. See? Nothing to it. Scientists feel the only obstacle they have left in the cloning procedure is how they can do this all on stilts without dropping the spinning plates. In fact, geneticists say they are very close to being able to make a cow in under 2 years of intense labwork and circus performance. Others claim this can be improved on. Said one man in a lab coat, "A bag of bull sperm is like what -- four bucks? You give that to a kid, and he'll stick in whatever cow hole you tell him for a lollipop. Add water and bam -- a new cow." The man was later discredited when his lab coat was torn off by science-fans to reveal a mustard-stained t-shirt that read "NASCAR is Life." As he was dragged from the building, his words rang in my ears. That night was the first of many I spent with my arm up a cow in the name of science. It's how I completed my set of cow slop trading cards. Also in Japan, cloned beef has been sold in supermarkets for two years, but the public didn't know about it until last April. They weren't very happy about eating soulless meat, and they went on a nation-wide beef boycott they called, "Super No Soul Burger Disaster Counterattack."

Actual headline from future folded-pirate hat, The Asian Reporter. It wasn't until weeks later that they realized their cloning article looked like the transcript of Porky Pig's newscast about it. In unrelated news, further to the back of the paper, a headline stated, "Asian Hipsters Say: Japan Hot. USA Not." However, the Honkey Cracker Reader contradicts this in their Fashion File when they say, "USA rules! Japan drools!" Conclusion: being naked is the only way to make sure you rule.

Here in America, we have better sense than to eat copies. We only eat meat from creatures that were caged, tortured, and executed, garnished with vegetables soaked in insect poison and animal feces. But just because we don't eat clones doesn't mean we don't make them. At the end of last year, a clone of a monkey was created in Hillsboro, Oregon, and named Tetra. Finally our scientists stopped putting human ears on mice and started making more of the animals that are really funny when we dress them up in little suits. The entertainment possibilities of monkey cloning are limitless. Can you imagine any show that wouldn't be improved by replacing the entire staff with tiny identical monkeys? Daytime talk shows, courtroom dramas, reality cop shows, bikini photo shoots...

Tetra (left) was created by splitting an embryo into parts and was praised as a great achievement until know-it-all scientists killed our excitement by saying that's not really a clone. That's just a monkey they chopped into two smaller monkeys. Scientists were disappointed they had to change the description of their monkey. While they were changing all the labels on her clothes from "clone" to "not a clone," they said fuck it, and threw the monkey in the trash. Anyone with a TV already knew the monkey wasn't a clone. They knew that clones not only have to have the same DNA as the original, but all their memories plus a hidden dark secret that causes them to kill. You think I'm kidding? Do you not remember when sweet little Dolly the sheep ate it's original? There are a few things you can count on in life -- soup lines are the cheapest place to find blowjobs, your mom will argue with that, and your clone is plotting to eat you. Now that evil clones are in our sandwiches and walking among us, it's more important than ever to detect them. But how can you tell if a person doesn't have a soul? It's easier than you might think. Place the suspected clone in a chair and tell them to remain perfectly still. Now play Eye of the Tiger. If there's a soul in there, this song with find it. By the end of the DADADUDUDA DA DA DA DADA's, their head should start to bob. You might think they look mad, but this is a mistake. They're getting TOUGH. Thirty seconds later, they should be pumping one or both arms up and down to the beat and fighting the boxing match of their life in their head. If none of this happens -- shoot them in the face. And good work. You just elminated a clone, soldier.

Besides creating a race of people determined to destroy us, cloning promises to mutate our species into insane lobster people, such as famous carnie, Kathy Stiles (shown here piloting her flying LobsterBike). Scientists claim duplication takes away from our genetic diversity, the same thing that's helpful in reducing the risk of a worldwide epidemic of lobster disease.* * Special Science Fact: Ectrodactyly is passed on from parent to offspring, it isn't something caused by cloning. Seanbaby.com wishes the best for the proud individuals fighting this disease by picking up objects with their freaky snapping hands and not dropping them too often. All of us here know that at least one ectrodactylyst will some day have the exact right ability necessary to save summer camp.

Spiritualists are almost universally against clones, since it's a lot like playing God, and He's mentioned how he doesn't want any help making people. That's why he invented storks and catholics. It's okay to play God by shaking an ant farm, you just can't make people with those science things. It's a lot like how it's okay to play doctor when you're just putting your hand up a girl's bra, but not okay to cut open your friend's chest and move their organs around. However, the spiritual point of view is irrelevant now that the Fox network proved atheists right with their televised slave auction, Who Wants to Marry a Millionaire. Even the Pope said, "If there was a God, I'm pretty sure he would be letting me watch some business man buy a white woman on national television. And if there's no God, I really don't have much of an excuse for this fucking hat." Later in the week, further support for the no-god theory was presented at the Goodwill games where Victor Petrenko did a prancing figure skating routine with an inflatable sex doll taped to his chest. To Mambo Number Five. And not one announcer or audience member seemed to be bothered by it. It looks like the soulless clones have infiltrated even our gayest sports.

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