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 The desperate bear (above) searches for her child from a high vantage point. She contemplates executing a double-paw axehandle or her high-risk finishing move, the Grizzly Ass Bomb. |
August 30th, 1999 - Super Bear Rules, Say Locals A mother's worst nightmare - a lost child. Running through the night naked, searching for a sign of your precious baby in neighborhood pools, climbing a telephone pole to get a better view. This tired story was retold in Albuquerque, but this time it was a black bear, and not your aunt the neighbors call "Crazy Bitch." After the 150 lb. bear climbed to the top of the telephone pole, the Albequerque police were called in. Three short hours later, they burst onto the scene in full riot gear delicately powdered with the sugar of fresh donuts. It was time to let the masters work their magic. Deputy Barney took charge, demanding the number to the phone line the bear was hanging on. His eyes squinted as he dramatically growled, "I'll talk this mama bear down if I have to." Telephone expert and Radio Shack "sales associate," Ted, was called onto the scene as a consultant, and immediately showed his expertise by announcing, "Barney... It doesn't really work like that." Barney went through more ideas in his head including sawing down the pole, luring the bear down with a puppet that looked like a baby bear, training some kind of parrot to shove the bear off, and even bringing in a honey-pot shaped wading pool for the panicked mother to leap into. Finally the perfect idea hit him. He would tranquilize the bear. |
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He raced back to his patrol car to find his tranquilizer rifle under a pile of ice cream sandwich wrappers and unfinished paperwork. With careful aim, he began his brilliant bear rescue. After firing a dart into the bear, he puffed his chest out which by now was decorated with sweat stains that kind of looked like Abraham Lincoln according to history lovers. He announced to the crowd, "Everything's okay. I got the bear with the dope. Allll right!" sticking his hand up to high-five a nearby officer. "You shot it with a tranquilizer!? The bear's going to fall on that god damn transformer, you fat idiot!" shouted an angry six year old onlooker. Barney adjusted his collar, and mumbled "Oh.. no, kid. I shot him with... a new thing we're working on. It... grants bears the incredible gift of FLIGHT!!!" The child's eyes were so filled with wonder, he didn't notice the rest of the inept Albequerque PD running to shut down the transformer. After flipping every switch on the city's power grid control randomly, they weren't able to shut down the power in time to prevent what the locals are calling "The Coolest Thing I Ever Fucking Saw." On an undrawn parallel, Barney received a complaint from Martha Mays, known to the community as "The Cat Lady" about her power going on and off all afternoon. She also filed several reports about the way Mittens loves to have milk with just a little bit of water, and sometimes watches Matlock with Dr. Whiskers and her. The bear did miraculously live through the experience, and was released after a few days of medical attention at the zoo. This reporter speculates that should this bear ever decide to turn against us, only Danny Glover and Grace Jones would have a chance against it, but only if they were to find some kind of bumbling magician to help them. Careful not to anger this unstoppable beast, I asked for her thoughts on the incident. Still smoldering, she answered, "One minute you're sitting in your cave making jokes about your porridge being too cold, the next you're looking for your crazy kid on a pole, being tranquilized by dipshit pigs, and dropped onto an electrical explosion. Let me tell you something. The next fucking human I see driving through my wildlife preserve all smiling and waving tossing me cupcakes out the window - they're dead. I'm going to bite the hands off your dirty children and shit them in their crying hairlipped mouths. I'm going to...." her speech was cut short by the accidental discharge of Barney's tranquilizer rifle who looked nervously around and shrugged. "Oops. This just ain't my week!" he joked. Barney now looks like strawberry jam. |
 This is unBEARable!!! This week's Zinger Caption Contest winner is the Allen family from North Dakota (inset) who win over $250 in gift certificates and savings for their clever and punny caption! Runner up: sniff! sniff! Oh! Smell's like burnt bear hair! I don't want to eat yogurt NOW! - T. Mitchell, Oklahoma Honorable Mention: This is un-BEAR-able! - S. Smart, New Jersey |
 Winner: Smokey Bear. - J. Hansel, Sweden Runner Up: This isn't cool. My bear exploded and fell from the sky. It's not something to make jokes and have little caption contests about, assholes. - Anonymous Honorable Mention: Mesa say thisa be unBEARable! - P. Kid, Atlanta |
The two surviving officers were going to give a special press conference to discuss their solution to the bear problem, but couldn't remember the phone numbers to any newspapers or news stations. They spent an evening eating out of a box of cereal on the precinct roof and trying to call the press by shining batshapes against the clouds with a flashlight. They also folded special hats out of cardboard and told scary stories, giggling occassionally when one of them farted.
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