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  This guy is the voice of Mario.                 I was there!                                                                      Paul, Jennie, and I sat in the rain until we got a reluctant, soggy noisemaker filled with firecrackers to light. The results: noisy. Some say noise science advanced more in those 15 minutes than in the entire last decade.   Jennie and I did a shot of nacho cheese several hours into the new year, fulfilling zero of our resolutions.   Jennie's so cute I want to collect her and trade her.                    What?      I'm a card!     When we were at Club 6, it was about 200 degrees, so I folded a rave flyer into a little fan. Now go back and replace that sentence with "I soon rainbowed I'd only feel safe in the sex of four naked men," and see which one sounds gayer.         After I broke my chin open doing the worm after 12 beers, I was declared the winner of the dance off at Caroline's party. And as blood was pouring out of my face into my hand, I warned everyone, "That's how I bring it." So this is actually a victory kiss, not a "make it better" kiss.  Here, a team of sexy doctors makes sure no more of my face spills out onto the floor. Caroline applied first-aid while Kat acted as assistant blood catcher.                               Hiding behind that moustache is Imperial Palace feature magician, Steve Dacry. He makes that face whenever he conjures plastic bunnies from beyond reality. And I'm not sure if I'm spelling this correctly, but he also adds, "AaaeeeeaaahhhHHHHH!"  Everything's possible if you hope for rainbows!  Hell, why not?    This lizard bastard is still threatening people with his stick at the Hilton Star Trek bar, but it's not for my lack of karate attacks.                  I hope this precinct doesn't need any rules played by, because Kat and I don't do that.   The toys displayed at the shooting range and I both agree: fuck you, Osama Bin Laden.  My little killer.          EGM Mexico!                         Moving day with Paully and Amanda.                  Oh my god, Kat and I so got busted falling in love in the back of a cab.                       Hot girls make me so happy!                     I like a bar where a pigeon can shit on the table in the corner for several hours without any of the staff caring. This place also had a bathroom door with three locks in case you need to barricade yourself in during a zombie attack. Or more likely, to enjoy heroin in private.                   I got this fucking lizard again!       Not pictured: This guy's, no bullshit, thong panties and cape.       Arts and Crafts night at Nocturnal. Pictured from left to right: me, Motorcycle-Mounted Fireball Ted, Outerspace Outhouse Playset, Anthony.  Motorcycle-Mounted Fireball Ted.  Country Kitchen Buffet gets passerbys hungry with this painting of a delicious steak floating through the air. Notice the daring use of olives and ochres, giving the impression that their food is made of reshaped PlayDough and vomit. Yum!  Me at this summer's smash hit, Aliens vs. Predator.        Check out that guy behind me. He's only hugging one girl AND she has clothes on. Psh!                                   From top to bottom: Stella watching the hundreds of clamps, scissors, and needles being stacked in preparation for her chest piercing, her boobs being marked for needle-insertion, and a four inch plastic tube enjoying its new home in the center of her chest. According to her, the faces I make during horrific body manipulation do not inspire comfort. But if you want to talk about discomfort, her people stick a bucket of spoiled cabbage next to my food every time I eat in one of their restaurants.   Stella and her breasts model their new puncture wound along with the number two pencil-sized needle that was jammed through her cleavage.     Above: Me sticking my head through a Seed of Chucky movie poster, falling into their marketing trap to get me to promote their fucking lame ass movie.  Witness the majesty of the year 9834, where we will have evolved beyond your primitive everything!       Yeah, say goodbye to him, sweetie. His cuddly insides have been replaced with explosive rad. I also stuffed in some nasty Korean fruitcake thing she brought back from the grocery store that morning.  It may not look like it, but with the amount of ordinance in Pat the Freedom Bunny, this is probably the most dangerous snuggling in the history of our nation's independence.  From top to bottom: Me loading bunny with rockets, Eddie applying a triangle choke just to teach it a lesson, and kaboom.  Do it, bunny, do it!  Holy shit, bunny!  Minutes later, after several solid attempts to kill me with projectiles and fire, Pat was reduced to this. Onlookers all agreed that while this bunny was fucked, America, on the other hand, ruled.  Assembling the finest of celebratory karate statue craftsmen, I commissioned this E3 2004 Scavenger Hunt Championship Trophy. Since my team didn't win, I made sure the recipients had to look at that picture of a fat guy's ass cleavage all day.  Caroline and I presenting the E3 2004 Scavenger Hunt Championship Trophy to Pfister, captain of Team Funk City 2039.  There's a reason gay people have Gay Pride day. Because holy shit, look at how much they rule.  I was going to write the caption, "Me and Alexa at her wedding," but thought her outfit made that pretty obvious. So I've decided on the caption, "Beautiful Woman Commemorates Special Day With Photo Next to Drunk Goofball."  As I understand it, it's considered proper etiquette at a wedding to bone at least one bridesmaid. And I am a very polite gentleman. Whoo! WHOOOO!!!  I believe it was the Karate Kid who said, "Fuck you, Lord Xortron! I'll never be your laser slave!"      Me and my uncle Tim. He's one of the main IBM researchers responsible for the radical increase in storage space on modern media drives, but since the measure of a person's intelligence is based exclusively on his knowledge of Jean Claude Van Damme films, he really looks up to me and my achievements.  How and why I body slammed seven-foot-tall Kevin Gifford at the Sega cocktail party is an interesting story. But only if you think the word "vodka" is interesting.  "Did we DRINKall thoese?!" demands Paul. "Who said that?" demands me in return. "What?" quips Paul. "Fuck you! I don't PLAY by yourules ANYmore!" shouts me to the evening sky.  Giggle! Milky and I love to laugh!  Maybe it was the Insane Clown Posse, or the gushing blood of the 10,000 thumbtack deathmatch, but something at the Backyard Wrestling 2 release party moved Stella and I to share this tender moment.                   I fucking have no idea what we're doing here with our shirts.            If you have a picture of yourself doing something tougher than a keg stand in a Hulkamania shirt, please mail it to Captain Impossible, c/o the Easter Bunny, because there's no way it happened.                                                                                Me at the prom.                 Susan: "What if we traded shirts?" Sean: "Shit, when I got you a drink, I didn't know you were a space genius. Agreed."   Main Album Recent Random Pictures Other Random Pictures Still Random Pictures |
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