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| Today’s feature, Acute Dilemma, examines the trials and tribulations of not only an individual, but also his race. The phenomenally cute Bowtied Duckfoot Adoracubbies have won the hearts of millions, yet their future lies in the hands of a fanatical fast food franchise. We will talk to Alex, the Adoracubby now championing his race, plus his "wife" Chris (as of now authorities are still unable to determine whether these creatures have sexual distinctions). | ||
| According to Lex Luthor, he and Charles Darwin genetically engineered the Adoracubby to be the cutest possible biological life form. He claims they were completely wasted and did it on a dare. Others postulate he did it to get laid. |
"Come get some!" |
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| We will focus on a rather famous
Adoracubby, Alex. He was born to a family of 15 in Adoropolis, the Adoracubby
homeland. As the 13th member of the family, he was indistinguishable from
his siblings. In order to stand out, he honed his natural talent for making
humans love him. Among his charming talents are the ability to cry on cue
and the little squeak he makes when people poke his tummy.
"Goo. Goo...goo," said Alex. |
Alex the Adoracubby |
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| In their natural habitat, these creatures had only one enemy, the Blarg. As the Blarg have sharp teeth, big claws, and dense fur while the Adoracubbies have no natural defense, they devoured millions of their prey, including Alex’s family. The delightful creatures enlisted the help of the A-Team and Airwolf to help them in their darkest hour. |
A Blarg (File Photo) |
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The A- (and Airwolf) Team exterminated the entire population of Blarg. The dead bodies were skinned to make extremely valuable (and pure evil) Blarg handbags, which today sell for thousands on eBay. | |
| Some would call this genocide.
Some would call it natural selection. Alex calls it revenge for the deaths of his incomprehensibly adorable siblings... "Gurgle…gaa gaa," he recalled. |
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| At this point, we stopped interviewing
the little bastard because, while endearing and lovely, he’s a fucking
moron. We chose to interview his wife, Chris, instead.
"Well, I’m so proud of Alex. He’s come from a tough, heart wrenching childhood and has become the voice of a people on the brink of extinction," she gushed. |
Chris, Alex's "wife" |
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| Chris left the enchanted land
of Adoropolis to become a Vegas showgirl. While her gig was incredibly
successful, it led her into the depths of drug use.
Her drug use led to her to moral bankruptcy, and her act was just a facade to hide the awful truth. "Yeah, I was a cum-guzzling whore for a few months," she revealed. |
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| Scurvy Rickets, her ‘stage
manager,’ gave us some insight into those harrowing days.
"Yeah, she was the best tail I ever done had to offer. And I mean literally," said Scurvy. "I rimmed a CENSORED of CENSORED." "I mean, ‘cause she has that there feathery tail. And human females don’t actually have tails, y’know, except metaphorically speaking," he adds. |
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Scurvy Rickets |
"I CENSORED
miles and miles of CENSORED."
"Well, I guess humans do...y’know, have tails initially and those other organs when…um…when we're developin’ in our mom’s tummies…from the zygote…and stuff," he rambles. |
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| "I CENSORED
CENSORED CENSORED
at once."
"You know, thinkin’ back to high school Biology…and…stuff…" he finally finishes. |
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| She was humiliated, beaten,
and subjected to indescribable sexual acts, but through the grace of God,
she found the light at the end of the tunnel.
"You know, getting CENSORED up the CENSORED led to a spiritual awakening. God smiled upon me and forgave me. Plus I made enough money to have all of my ‘clients’ summarily executed for their sins," Chris said. Clean, sober, and ready to live again, Chris reconnected with her Adoracubby roots and met Alex in an Adoradisco. |
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An Adoradisco in full swing "He said “Goo” and I fell in love. Admittedly now I want to fucking strangle the prick when he talks like a baby, which is all the damn time," she confessed. The two hit the fast track to success, launching movies, Television cartoons, lucrative toy and clothing lines, and magazines. Many critics say they were overexposed. Other American icons of cuteness were less than thrilled about the Adoracubbies' natural beauty. |
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| "Alex ripped off my whole 'get poked in the tummy and do something cute' shtick. Next time I see the fuckstick, I will rip off his goddamn neck and shit down his throat!" | "It won’t last…it never does. Adorability is such a fad. You watch! If they don’t become extinct they’ll fade from the public eye all the same." |
(Translation: I pray he
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