Name: Ten-Eyed-Man Powers: Tragically hilarious Phil Reardon, the Ten-Eyed-Man, has a little working eyeball on each of his fingertips. And even though you're considered legally invincible after the sixth or seventh eye, he also had a rocketpack, a bullwhip, and a belt that fired a net. Hopefully, the jet flames from his backpack burned any ass-eyes off that he probably had. I think the best part about his "powers" is that everyone seemed seriously impressed by them. When he was finally brought to justice, they had to put him in a special maximum security hand-box to prevent his escape (see bottom of page). As one wise guard said, "Because of his... special abilities... Reardon has virtual 360 degree vision. Without the box, escape would be child's play for him." That means that the next time you're at the circus throwing peanuts at a pair of siamese twins joined at the back, toss them gently. Those freaky bastards can see in any direction, so they can get out of that cage a lot easier than you think. And don't even think about messing with Guy-With-Mirror-Man and Turn-Around-Really-Fast-Lad. This isn't jealousy, but I honestly don't think having eyes on your hands would be that great. Think of the shame when you watch female billiards and five of your eyes are down the front of your pants. As much as I thought about it, I really couldn't visualize how hand eyes would affect my life outside of masturbation, so I called Ten-Eyed-Man for an exclusive interview.

When someone tosses a shrub at you, you might instinctively try to catch it. But if you're fighting someone, you should probably assume the other guy's going to punch you when you catch it, and it's not a friendly present. And if you have eyes on your hands, you really should have lost your catch-stuff instinct a long time ago. You fucking dumbass.

SB - Incredible. I can see that your goggles are opaque and yet still you have vision. Please just take whatever you want when you leave in exchange for my life. But first, what's your non-world-conquering life like with the fucked up little eyeballs on your fingers? [I unconsciously gave kind of a dismissive gesture when I mentioned his hands, and tried to cover it by pretending I was drying transparent nail polish.]

“I have eyes on my hands, making it impossible for anyone to hurt me.” 10EMan - Wow. Great question. I can't wash my hands without screaming, and of course watching female billiards makes me cry... but being invincible and completely unstoppable is alright. Plus, it's super incredible during breast grabbing. The entire making out process is like a porno with camera angles you only see from the most skilled midget cinematographers. And it doesn't matter what kind of Chinese-finger-trap bra a chick is wearing - with eyeballs on your fingers, that thing is coming off like that. [he snapped his fingers when he said "that" and screamed in pain for a couple minutes. Then he called himself "stupid" and slapped his forehead - making it even worse. When he recovered, he scratched an itch on his armpit and gave himself pink-eye. He continues...] Speaking of chicks and their bras... hey guys, pretend to not know how to undo a bra. I don't care how many you've taken off, you have to do this. I mean not only to act all clumsy to trick the stupid Christian girls into thinking they're "special," but the bra strap is a woman's power point - they're better at them than men. If you take that away from her, she's going to resent you for the rest of the relationship. Maybe even try to kill you. Luckily, I have eyes on my hands, making it impossible for anyone to hurt me. But since you're reading an article about comic books, this isn't advice you'll be able to apply. You're going to want to see the above section on female billiards for an image of what you'll be doing when you get your fantastic finger-eyeball powers. Hey, when I stick my finger in my nose it looks like the pictures from my colon exam! At the end of the interview, I stupidly made him pass out with pain when I shook his hand goodbye, and completely forgot to ask about the eyes on his ass. I was almost sure that after a strip search I could find at least 5 or so extra eyes. And eyes wouldn't be all I would find under that orange and brown suit. I would also find... myself. Something to complete me. Oh, if only Phil would turn just one of his eyes my way.

Bibliography: Everything came from 1976's Man-Bat #2, "Fugitive From Blind Justice." After some fights with Man-Bat, he wandered off a building and died (bonus image). The best part of the comic book was when Man-Bat was soaking wet and half naked and convinced a jive-talking cabbie to give him a ride (right). With $20. But keep in mind that back in the seventies, that was like $28 now. Back to the Stupid Comics Page.

This cab driver is either starving or just doesn't like his jacket very much. And I think his ability to end his words with the wrong letters puts him in the same super villain league as Ten-Eyed-Man. Man-Bat should be careful to tip politely.