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Superman didn't go to school, and neither did the runaway Malaysian children that animated him. They must have picked a few science words up in the cartoon sweatshop, though; because sometimes Superman tried to explain the insane shit he did. It was almost lovable how confident he would sound when he did things like rub his hands together to make a tractor fly and say, "Murmur blahblah mur... FRICTION will blah molecule mumble REVERSAL GRAVITY!"
Spinning around was Superman's favorite problem solver. If he ever had a doubt as to what to do to something, or it didn't respond to a bad speech, he'd fly around it as fast as he could. If a black hole was coming towards earth, he'd fly around it until it, you know, left into another dimension. This Spin-Around-It theory of physics was discovered by one of the animation studio's night janitorial staff when he happened upon some scripts and then changed all the words around so they were more retarded. His groundbreaking theories, however, are backed by common phenomenon. You might have noticed how after 300 laps at the Indy 500, all the puppets in the center of the track become real boys. Or sometimes, unexplainably remain normal puppets. That's because Spin-Around-It physics are as unpredictable as a stablehand's forbidden passions.
Continue to Part 3
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