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Superman has got to be jaded as hell. Besides the crap he has to put up with from Aquaman every day, he can hear the death screams of orphans for thousands of miles in every direction. That kind of thing would get to get to you. When I hear about dynamite ninjas blowing up the president, I don't feel guilty. There's nothing I could have done; I don't know how to defuse a ninja or even where the president lives. Not Superman. He can take every single obituary personally. He can go through the paper and say, "Let's see, this was the bus that fell off the bridge when I was in the bathroom... and here, I was playing ping pong when this family suffocated under tons of rubble... Oh! And I could barely get to sleep while this former skydiver was screaming for help! Ha ha ha!"
I'm surprised he even cares when the Trouble Alert goes off. I'd expect him to say, "Sorry your government building got shrink-rayed, Congressman, but I can hear a baby being circled by vampire hippos right now. Do you want me to let it get torn apart becau-- oh, there. It's dead. Good job, Congressman Selfish Asshole. How about you don't call again until there's a real emergency like poison ivy or a leg cramp?"
Or maybe he's not bitter at all. He does have X-ray vision and a job where he gets to stand near Wonder Woman. He's probably happier than her panties and bustier put together. He might even be happier than a monster booty whenever I drive by with my bumper sticker that says, "I Brake for Monster Booty" that I got from ordering the CD "Monster Booty."
DR. CRIME'S CRIMINAL KRYPTONITE GUIDE AND SPEEDBOAT CHALLENGE
Hi, future dictators! There are about eight different kinds of kryptonite. They each give off unique radiation that have different kinds of effects on Superman. All of them give off unique radiation that sterilize your gonads. That's one of the reasons I can only get sexually aroused by blueprints of grocery stores. Let's start!
GREEN KRYPTONITE
AFFECT: DEATH
This is supposed to kill Superman, but seems really crappy at it since he gets covered in it every episode and still isn't dead.
RED KRYPTONITE
AFFECT: MUTATE
This almost always just gives him extra arms which doesn't help evil very much since it means he can punch us twice as much. Maybe you'll get lucky and it will give him a tail. Because if Superman has a tail, no one can resist us!
RAINBOW KRYPTONITE
AFFECT: GAY
This type of kryptonite makes Superman gay. He injected it into his blood years ago. Ha ha ha!
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Superman could move planets, and most people that fought him were lucky if they had a working bike. To balance this out, as soon as they graduate from crime school, every single criminal in the universe is given an unlimited supply of kryptonite along with their retarded hat and matching retarded jumpsuit. Kryptonite is radioactive pieces of a planet that exploded decades ago on the other end of the universe, which might explain why it's so easy to find.
Villains were practically cleaning it out of their damn belly buttons, and just mentioning it is enough to get Superman to leave. You could even lie, it's not like he's going to think to check. The man's a moron. If he spins around you a few times and you don't reverse polarity or whatever, he'll fly off saying, "My powers don't affect him! He must be made entirely out of kryptonite!"
Besides kryptonite, Superman's main weakness was forcefields. He HATED forcefields. There are episodes made up entirely of Superman ramming himself headfirst into a forcefield over and over. I've compiled some of them into this very special forcefield smacking retrospective video:
Bonk: An Adventure in Forcefield Ramming
Video (2:22)
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Continue to Part 4
Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4
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