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Part 11 - All the Operation: Rescue E3 is Wait For You
Above: Me cheering up Ultimate Fighting Champions Chuck Lidell and Tito Ortiz.
Not pictured: Erik being beaten mercilessly by their feet.
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When you're sitting alone in a strange country with only a Playstation box to keep you company for three days, you'll get excited over an old shoe. Erik and I just happen to be international superstar funnymen, so to be honest, Kentia hall was pretty easy for us to cheer up. The main hall, however; took a special kind of cheering up I invented a few months ago at my local mall. You can do this yourself: whenever you see someone with really long hair wearing a layer of potato chips and an X-Files shirt, you scream "EVER QUEST!!!" If everything goes according to plan they'll go "YEEAHHHH!" and you'll be able to sneak away before they can start babbling on about how their pushy virtual goblin wife gets mad when they don't lock the unicorn gate.
Screaming shit can cheer up all kinds of people. Drive by a goth club and yell "SKELETOR!" out the window. They get so excited you'll think you got elected President Dracula. Erik is an amateur genius, and he modified the original cheer-up technique to work with not just Everquest players, but other fat people too. He went through E3 raising his fist and screaming "SANDWICHES!!!" As a coup de grace, I cheered up a group of necrophiliacs by yelling "SHOVELS AND POST-MORTEM VAGINAL TUBES!!!" Needless to say, after a few hours of that, E3 was pumped.
Freedom Force was the only game at E3 that I liked. To put in terms you can understand, when I was playing it, I completely forgot to keep track of how much Phil Collins wants dick in his mouth. However, in a lucky turn of events for several hundred area dicks, Phil Collins' mouth did not. And neither did the grim team of mouth scientists working around the clock to stop the diseases that escape from it daily.
At the First Annual Seanbaby/Old Man Murray E3 Party: That's Morgan from Freedom Force trying to kiss me next to the adorable Seanbaby.com Reader Babe, Gabs. Not pictured: MC Hammer.
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I was so busy playing Freedom Force, I stopped cheering up E3 completely, except for any tiny E3 insects who might have slid their genitals under my clicking mouse button. To help our cheer-up mission get back on track, our friends Matt and Nick from Homestead.com, who have Internet jobs that still send them paychecks, threw the first annual Seanbaby/Old Man Murray E3 Party. We held it at the Holiday Inn downtown since Drew Barrymore's vagina wasn't available on such short notice.
Fun Party Facts: The guys who made Freedom Force are from Australia. As Americans, we know that if our forefathers came back to life, they'd bring about a new age of equality and peace. Australia's forefathers were a boatful of convicted felons. If they came back to life, they would murder all of us and try to sell our bodies to Vietnamese restaurants. And Australians party like they're expecting that. I don't remember a lot about that night, but I remember splitting some acid with Morgan and Big Red and laughing in a hotel room for 9 hours because if you sit on the TV and moan while a cereal commercial is on, it looks like massive amounts of Cheerios are falling out of your ass. And since E3, I've found out that it's just as funny if you can't find any acid. It also works at the beginning of Star Wars where that giant spaceship slowly comes out of my butt.
By the time the sun came up on the third day, I was in no mood to cheer anyone up. Operation: Rescue E3 degnerated into me and Erik sneaking up and taking pictures of fat people with slimy game controllers either resting on top their bellies or wedged tightly between different parts of their bellies. Fattys were the real stars of E3, because while regulars had to wait to touch the future, the fattys' protruding guts were constantly five minutes ahead of us in time, making the future smell like ham.
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