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 Above: Since no picture has been released to the press by Ed O'Rourke's legal team, you'll have to settle for this photographer's conception of what he looks like. Psychological analysis indicates he is very likely to wear the silly hat to his trial, along with a bath-towel cape, inflatable water wings, or other fashion accessories known to be loved by the retarded.  The bars aren't the only ones in trouble from idiot lawsuit fans. Dumbass Ed O'Rourke also named Tampa Electric Co. as a defendant in the lawsuit. He said the utility did not do enough to prevent him from getting into a fenced, gated, and locked substation and scaling the electrical transformer. Tampa Electric has told courts their snipers put 8 bullets and a knife in the man, but their Earth weapons were not enough to stop his stupid rampage. After a dramatic pause, one said grimly, "He made it past Commander Killstrike. No one's EVER made it past Commander Killstrike." One nearby Russian boxer added, "He is like a piece of iron." |
March 9th, 2000 Drunk Man Explodes, Sues Bar "Responsible" for it. A special hooray to Excite News for scooping me on this. Another person who thinks being an idiot entitles them to fabulous cash prizes has taken someone to court. Florida dumbass, Ed O'Rourke got drunk, climbed an electrical transformer, got zapped by 13,000 volts, exploded, and sued the bars that served him alcohol. It may sound stupid, but according to lawyers who are stupid, his case may be valid as it a strong precedent was set by the drowning victim who sued God, manufacturer of the faulty non-water proof human lung. Even though God won that case (mostly through supernatural jury intimidation), O'Rourke's legal team says they have a good chance at a multi-million dollar settlement. Here is a piece of their statement*: "We will prove that the bars in question not only knew of my client's history of dipshittedness, but did not specifically tell him to avoid suicidal acts of idiocy on his way home." *Translated from the secret language of Imbecile. -editor The state of Florida was quick to give a statement in favor of the defendants. Florida representative Gator Orangetree: "You see, here in Florida, we offer all retards a special 'helper' if they request one. Mr. O'Rourke signed a form saying he did not want a state-funded chaperone to follow him around during his entire life. And he paid the price for that. He's had no one there to keep himself from blowing his nose on his shirt, no one there to keep him from falling asleep on the oven range, or anyone to prevent other thinking-impaired accidents. However, this incident has no excuse, our state has a a very qualified staff of retard-assistants that deal exclusively in 'hey, climb your fucking stupid ass down off the high voltage wires' situations. Likewise, we have several specialists who follow 'clients' simply to remind them to keep their pants buttoned and let them know appropriate times to do somersaults. As you can see, Mr. O'Rourke certainly had these resources available to him and we've really done all we can to help him and our other idiot citizens." The bars responded similarly. One local bar & grill owner has come up with a new invention he thinks will revolutionize dipshit-accident prevention. It's basically a standard lawn mower they keep running in the back of the bar, and every 20 minutes, patrons are asked to stick their foot under it. Anyone who does so is immediately denied further liquor unless they pay double for their drinks, or even triple in the case of repeated foot insertion. Barroom lawnmower experts say the invention would have a more widespread use if the blade was removed, but admit the temptation of collecting the feet of dumbasses is irresistable (and still technically not a crime in Florida). However, in Georgia (where foot collecting is a misdemeanor commanding a very high fine), bar lawnmowing has taken on a darker tone where small-time mafia ringleaders are known to pay in upwards of $400 for the foot of a dumbass, no questions asked. Some claim these feet are not only taken from people against their will, but from people that are not even dumbasses. As one urban legend tells it, victims wake up footless in icy bathtubs with a note taped to them reading, "Want your feet back? Turn on your garbage disposal and stick your dick in it. I have your kidneys too, they're in the polar bear cage at the zoo. Why am I even writing this? If you got this note, you probably don't know how to read it, dumbass." Southern officers are looking into the problem, but of course admit they think it's "really fucking funny." |
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The drama continued into a savage spiral of bigotry and insanity when the incident was reported to the Tampa PD. Seanbaby.com was there when a witness first told the police about it, and here is the insider's account of the encounter. The witness started, "This guy was totally hammered, I saw him put away like 15 beers, and his whole hand was covered in ink stamps from other bars. Then he told everyone he had something to do and stumbled out. Next thing we knew, sparks were flying outside and we saw him smoldering on the ground covered in electrical burns. His name was Ed O'Rou*" The officer, still reading a newspaper, interrupted him, "Ha ha, trust me, pal. I already had the 'O apostrophe' written. Let's see... guy gets drunk at six bars, does something stupid, and explodes. This guy couldn't possibly be Irish! Ha ha ha..." The witness angrily stamped their feet, "That's a terrible stereotype! My mother was from Ireland! They have their own parade!" "Look, see this badge, fuckhead? If making fun of drunken Micks was a crime, do you think they'd give me one of these? No, they.... Hey, you know who you really have to look out for? Those damn Germans. Says here they bred four genius Superbabies." The officer holds up a recent issue of Weekly World News and continues to skim a paragraph with wide eyes and without looking up, continues. "You're worried about some lush on a telephone pole, while these things are plotting against us? Look at their eyes. Those fucking eyes can see my soul. No.... No. They see more than that." The witness left the station, half out of fear, half out of frustration. The officer eventually wrote up the report by simply scribbling, "Dumbass explodes" on a piece of notebook paper. But as he handed it to BIPBOP, the friendly police robot, he took it back and added as an afterthought, "BEWARE THE SUPERBABIES." Then with a final nod, fed it into the robot's head. Later he found out BIPBOP was a trash can, but by that time he'd forgotten about Florida idiot, Ed O'Rourke, and was administering IQ tests to local infants to find a team of babies, ANY babies, capable of standing against the German Superbabies. If you have any information on the whereabouts of a baby with the prophesized star-shaped birthmark on its left arm, please contact Officer Gerry Wilson, Tampa PD. While awaiting further instructions from the police, keep the baby in a warm dry place. Authorities ask you do not expose the baby to the light of a full moon, and advise strongly against leaving it with a hungry fat person. |
 Above: Klaus, Fritz, Peter, and Kurt, the four German Superbabies destined to destroy us.  Above: Later in the same issue read by the Tampa Police officer, he learned of an ape-human hybird that baffled scientists. Yeah, stupid scientists maybe. Everyone knows how ape-human babies get made. If you have the right connections, you can even buy videos of it. And as readers of this site know, Mexican geneticists are breeding these things all the time.  |
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"I wish the 13,000 volts was a more reasonable number to work with. I mean I could say, 'did you hear about this guy? 13,000 volts! That's like one volt for every time he had to get up and pee during the night.' It just doesn't work. Two hundred volts would have been funny. You can kind of imagine someone peeing 200 times in a night, but 13,000 trips to the toilet? That's just crass. He's a lush, not a milking machine. I said a MILKING MACHINE, ladies and gentlemen!" Laffy McHilarity, Comedian |
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"I've done some stupid shit. I once tainted all the Halloween candy I was giving out with rat poison and whatever fluids I could get out of my body. When no kids showed up at my house, I ended up eating it all. I almost died. Now I could have sued the local kids for figuring out I've been trying to kill them for the past 8 years and not coming to my house, but I thought the national media attention would be embarrassing. It's one thing to do something completely humiliating, but totally another to tell everyone in the world about it with a high profile lawsuit. It's why I didn't sue my bowels when my flatulence wore a hole through my underwear. All I do is put on some pants, and it's me and my ass's little secret. You know what? I kind of wish I could take back everything I just told you." L. T., Mysterious Stranger |
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Other High-Profile online articles about frivolous lawsuits: Fat Chick vs. Mexican Comedian Man vs. Guns |
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