June 5th, 1999 Not just lonely men hiding in outhouse pits with flashlights and wetsuits send me mail. Celebrities and comic creators also have things to say to me when they're not screaming down the fast lane of life on their skull painted rocket skateboards. Also, I've added my new official song to the Reader Mail Page. June 3rd, 1999 Three new comics were drawn by readers of the page. You can read two masterpieces by Alien Boy 52 on the Reader Mail Page, and another by a shadowy stranger clouded in mystery on the Guestbook. All of them contain heavy religious themes, flattering represenations of me, and will be used in the future by their defense attornies as supporting evidence to their plea of insanity. If anyone else wants to use their talents to create a Seanbaby's Homepage comic about me, Kora!, Joyce, Lis, Rosy, Karnov, Kin Korn Karn, or James H. Vipond, send them in to become an internet superstar. The best one will receive fabulous cash and prizes, more contest details coming soon. I added a very very frightening and topical story about internet stalkers to Ro's Page, written by Ro herself! She's a Pokemon master, a feminist, and breeds retarded children to beg for money in Pakistan! The third thing added to the page today that wasn't written by me - Lis returns from obscurity to give us an informative essay explaining the recent explosion of her nudes all across the internet. Read about it here, especially if you like tits. May 31st, 1999 - Memorial Day While the rest of the world spent their day hanging out in cemeteries, I toiled altruistically on the new and much improved Reader Mail Page. I apologize in advance for any future lack of updates, since my girlfriend just got a new inflatable basketball hoop for the pool, and playtime splash parties might have more appeal than capturing screen shots from bad Nintendo games. Expect either the tragic report of my drowning, or a page of sexy half naked pictures of me and Joyce shining in the shining sun. May 21st, 1999 Branching out to foreigners, I used Altavista to translate the main page into French. Five minutes later I said fuck the frogs and translated it back. Smoke your cigarettes and watch your bad art movies in your militarily inferior country. We'll call you when we need some reeking hairy chicks. [editor's note - Seanbaby's bionic lever controls are being driven by a small dwarf living in his skull. He should not be held responsible for these comments or the recent increase in teen pregnancies. However this is his fault: Seanbaby's Homepage: French Version.] Connecting up the Abroads outside, Altavista use translated the principal page into French. Kiss by five minute old I later frogs and translated him behind. Smoke your cigarettes and observe your bad films of art in your country militarily lower. We will call you when we need some feeling hairy chicks [ the note of the editor - commands bionic of lever of Seanbaby are led by a small alive dwarf in his cranium. It should not considered to be responsible for these comments or the recent increase in the pregnancies of adolescence. However it is its defect: Homepage De Seanbaby: French Version ] May 16th, 1999 Finally, after three years devoid of such a thing, Seanbaby's Home Page has created a Links Page. The fan demanded it, and now it's here. A tiny shrine to the best of the web including James Vipond's Game Show Bonanza!, Fat Chicks in Party Hats, Love! Love! Love! Pretty Samy!, and Superkidz 4 Christ are Winners! It should be considered a work in progress, as I've barely scratched the web's surface with my sharpened penis. And I don't think I'll ever feel a mere four pages of text will do justice to James H. Vipond's vast web estate. If I had the time, my entire page would be made into a glittery tribute to him and his autism. Please enjoy the links. I feel pretty. And I pity. Any girl who isn't me tonight. May 10th, 1999 Guilt hit me today like a plastic applicator thrown with vicious accuracy, and I thought I should explain the lack of big updates lately. It's because of my new life as an erotic talker. I quit my graphic artist job and am now speaking in an ambiguous foreign voice to lonely asian panties-smelling salary men. This is currently the world's largest demographic according to bathroom wall pie charts, and it keeps me very busy. I've included here the original ad that convinced me to change my life for the better, so maybe others out there can make the world a better place with mistranslated sex talk. Call me. I'm so fucking sexy. I'm ricking your butt. You deposit more quarter for take off top time! And to prove I still devote 8 minutes or more a day to the page, I added Green Lantern vs. Mirror Master to the Hostess Page. In it, he kindly tells two children that they deserve to eat their own Twinkies after they save him from an embarrasing trap with the golden snacks. May 7th, 1999 The novelty of the beast-like penised chick on the other banner has not worn off yet, as fat chicks in party hats are sweeping the nation. Even so, I'm staying on the cutting edge of useless advertising with this new banner. It may not give off as many inflated expectations as food photography, prison showers, or Jerry Bruckheimer movies, but it goes really well with a box of Milky. Oh, and I watched some TV today. Suck my dick, Star Wars. I'll go to your god damn movie; just shut the fuck up about it. And am I the only one with the shaven balls to mention how after Revenge of the Nerds 2, I start to root for the frat boys? Booger's acting ability is taken advantage of less often than a drunken nun with herpes. If I could get him and Lamar alone, I would redefine what you people call gay. May 5th, 1999 HUGE NEWS! SEANBABY, OWNER OF GLAM EGO-WANK PAGE GETS NEW EMAIL ADDRESS! In what was meant to be a week long of self improvement, I took a bottle of ginkgo biloba and began memorizing the first 14 letters in a set of encyclopedias. During this time, hotmail must have gone through my mail folders and found the fully nude pictures of Lis making out with a group of (fully clothed) donkeys. This is very against their strict policy of only allowing flame wars and recipe exchanges, and they've destroyed my account. So if you have sent me something in the past week and haven't heard from me, it's because I was mail-impotent. If you sent something more than a week ago and haven't heard from me, I probably hate you. My new email is seanbaby@seanbaby.com, and can only be killed by shooting it in the head. April 29th, 1999 A predictable article about Pamela Anderson's breasts was finally added to the News Page. As if that wasn't enough, I asked another group of street walkers for comments. In response to my question about what they thought about the new additions, the spokeswhore said, "Hey, you fucker. We're not hookers! We're waiting for a fucking bus!" I admit that I was at a loss of how to react to that, so I instinctively punched her in the mouth. April 25th, 1999 I've found a page I like more than mine. It's called Fat Chicks in Party Hats. A brilliant site made by what seems to be a half retarded Mexican youngster, Miguel, Fat Chicks in Party hats has been an invaluable image resource to me. It's a super title, especially since most of the pictures on his page aren't chicks, fat, or wearing hats. But you'll totally forget about his inability to properly label things after reading his captions. For example, under the multi-layered head (left) I stole from his page, the caption read, "Hello! I am king fat hat! UUUUHHH!" I was laughing so hard, you'd think I was an epileptic diabetic at a ice cream disco feed. Credit should also be given to Miguel for the image of the strange beast in my family friendly banner and for giving me a reason to live. April 22nd, 1999 A number of laws of nature were broken today after a cock having female managed to stretch a party hat rubber band all the way to her ninth lumpy chin. Using an image of the modern day miracle and the limited resources of my graphic design training and wit, I've created this official Seanbaby banner. All like-minded fans of fat chicks with erections and party hats are encouraged to use it to link here. All offended people are encouraged to send mail to my inviting ass. April 21st, 1999 If my ego was a vagina, it was just stroked by the soft, yet firm finger of a sexy Spanish man. I received a perfect 5 out of 5 score from Webnet webratings, and am their weekly fifth most loved site behind Timmy's Pokemon Picnic Party, Lionel Richie Ate My Balls, Fat Chicks in Party Hats, Cock Blasters, and Prison Bride Pokemon Picnic Party. I haven't been this happy since seventh grade hygiene class (last year) where I was finally able to identify the strange growth on my penis as a chancre. Rumors indicate the high Webnet rating was sarcastic, and their staff is currently laughing at the funny haired idiot with the vanity page who can't finish a fucking sentence without mentioning his own dick. After wowing girls with my new web award, refreshingly offensive comedy, and American pie good looks, I added Captain America vs. the Aliens (better name than That Dirty Beach) to the Hostess Page. In it, a xenophobic Captain America acts as Earth's ambassador by beating the shit out of a group of aliens for exiting their space ship and walking in a park - two more reasons than any good super hero should need to start an intergalactic war. April 20th, 1999 And a new era of greatness is about to begin for the Hostess Page, as it now contains the humper dumpering Preacher ad. If there's one person I might sleep with before Lynda Carter, it's Jesse Custer. Big thanks to Jarrett Samson for sending it. April 16th, 1999 Recent advances in the Chinese underwear industry have been reported on in the News Page. April 15th, 1999 My server rules. Chet and Erik at Old Man Murray constantly give me reason to draw hearts around the tatoo of their names I have on my testicles (Chet on the left, and Erik on the larger right one). Today they made me pee in my tiny velvet lined silver rubber panties exactly when I was at my desk and not supposed to be in silver panties or peeing. In their soon to be famous, half-drunken words: "the government has come to rely on our seemingly supernatural insight into the common man's stamp theme desires and routinely asks for our input on all new stamp designs. We've been directly responsible for many of this year's popular collections including Heroes of Black History Missing Their Panties, Ayn Rand Missing Her Panties, Honoring Those Who Served Without Panties, and Milk Squirting Aquarium Fish." April 13th, 1999 Girl power takes a punch to the stomach with the shockingly unenlightened review of Career Girl Romances added to the bottom of the Stupid Comics Page. Friendly Hostess hero, Jon Knutson, with his many sites sent me Captain Marvel Meets The Dreadnought and Superman in "Ionic Storm" for the Hostess Page and I added more hidden bonuses for compulsive mouse clickers. April 12th, 1999 I added Captain Marvel Returns to Earth! and Thor in "The Storm Meets its Master" to the Hostess Page. Other bonus additions were made, but I'm an impish forest nymph who will never tell her magic secret. April 11th, 1999 Many badly hidden additions were made to the Super Friends Page, showcasing some of the events that have supported my theory: "That team was a bunch of idiots." Superman vs. the Laughing Gas Bandits and Batman in "The Whole World's Upside Down" have been added to the Hostess Page along with my new favorite title: Aquaman in "That Dirty Beach." April 10th, 1999 The new standard for fruit pie ads has been set by Iron Man in City Crisis. "Kwirkegard, a philosophically sinister villain, aims his existential depression ray at New York City's water supply. Puny humans are about to learn the sad truth about life." I went out to ask more hookers to comment, and one obese woman with lipstick smeared back to her ears and oral herpies it was hard not to mention growled, "Sounds like a metaphor for how your angsty gay page is corrupting the youth of the world, you scumbag." She then casually handed a balloon of heroin to a passing girl scout with a grating snicker and continued, "Now look, Seanbaby, if you wanna party, drop those shiny panties and let's see the goods." I politely screamed and ran. After a panicked sprint, I added Daredevil's Dare-Double!, Iron Man in Rust be My Destiny! & An Irresistable Force!, Superman in Gold Mine Rescue, Captain Marvel in He's All Mouth!, and Superman meeting the adorable Pac Man like Orbitrons to the Hostess Page. I also stealthily hid some Super Friends bonuses which could explain the huge erection I'm getting. April 9th, 1999 I haven't had a case of deja vu this bad since the time I was caught in bed with Emmanuelle Lewis for the second time. Or the third. In a near exact repeat of yesterday's activities, I went on another trip through the fruit pie rich city of Portland which has supplied me with more things to hide on this page than a fucking Catholic bunny with a basket full of colored eggs. Tandy computer children say no to drugs, Superman in Spanish, the entire silver sequined roller skating Dazzler series, Super Friends teach us dentistry, and the comedy rich world of Power Pack vs. sexual abuse are just a few of the treats you'll eventually see here. But since Friday is the day I drink until I wake up on Tuesday, I only added a few things. It's an all villain update to the Hostess Page with the Joker in "Laugh, Clown, Laugh!" & "Clowning Around," and the Penguin in "Penguins on Parade." I thoughtfully did not put the Sad Sack fruit pie ad that I found on the page, nor do I plan to until his name is no longer synonymous with scrotum. April 8th, 1999 Immediately after getting off work, Joyce and I spent the evening in secluded comic shops and asian markets. Because of my frequent visits to the Japanese mall, there are now signs everywhere that say, "Stop laugh at our culture, white devil!" This clever campaign didn't work, and Joyce and I stayed to collect more comics and badly labelled food items than we could carry while battling off karate fighter store managers. Joyce refered to our day as "Treasure Adventure! Find find!" So what does this mean to you, the 12 year old pantless visitor scratching your ass with a Dilbert calendar? It means that Superman Saves the Earth, Red Tornado in "Clean Sweep," The Flash in "Marathon Madman," and Batman & Professor Plutonium have been added to the Hostess Page. Also, the page won another award. April 6th, 1999 Komban wa, Gameras! I spend treat at lunch break to the Japanese market looking at Pokemon bubble gum, Rockman coloring books, Ultraman hats for sex, and Sailor Moon training bras for little girl. I fucking drunk on Japanese mystery, I now grow giant rain drop on top of my head of surprise! And honor for a culture so fuck up it even makes you fat America look mental health, Joyce be given highest honor of magic tribute to Happy Land Biscuits on Page for Her. Find hidden click for joy joy internet giggle. In religious news, Sardius, has sent me the Nintendo game, Bible Buffet, which is a lot like getting your feet washed by Jesus (or Jehova Jr. to the ladies). It starts out nice - soft, divine hands carressing your tired toes - but then you accidentally kick him in the mouth and his dad hits you with a lightning bolt. Strangely, Sardius has built a tribute page to the game about holy fruits. April 5th, 1999 After spending most of my day searching for the shittiest web pages in the world for the Links Page I'm working on, I finished rebuilding the Page About Me. So if you weren't sure if I hated you yet, you can visit it and be positive. April 3rd, 1999 Prostitutes of the world rejoiced this afternoon as I added an earth shatteringly fantabulous 40 new ads to the Hostess Page. Why were the hookers so excited? One confused whore said, "Why would I be happy about your stupid fucking page, you funny looking bastard? Now concentrate. If you don't hurry up and cum, I'm going to cut your dick off. Wait a second! Did you say you have 108 god damn ads on the page? That's incredible! I know what I'm doing tonight after dozens of degrading and painful sexual encounters!" And as America waited, unsure of whether or not I would finally win the coveted Grandpa internet award, they breathed a collective sign of relief when I did. And I stuck it on the Awards Page. March 28th, 1999 A hugely important event happened today in the field of electronics. You can read about it on the News Page. March 25th, 1999 I added a secret bonus to the Stupid Comics Page, and a preliminary redesign of the Page About Me. I also drew up the preliminary plans for an orbital laser to finally rid myself of your foolishness. March 22nd, 1999 HUGE UPDATE! I got back from Moscow this afternoon and got a new award for the Awards Page. It is a small one with a blinky star. Congratulation to me. March 17th, 1999 The gorgeous but evil expert in karate, kung fu, and other martial arts, June Jitsui, has been added to the Hostess Page along with Paste Pot Pete, a villainous movie director, and other criminals you can only stop with treats. I also spent the day walking on the beach until I found my true love. A wind burned old man searching for buried treasure with a broken metal detector. March 16th, 1999 Three new fruit pie ads (Spider-Man, Captain Marvel, and Hulk) have been molested, and I reviewed the amazingly titled "Spider-Man Spoils a Snatch." March 14th, 1999 Joyce and I just got a scanner after fighting through the hundreds of glass eyed consumers and disgruntled employees at the Future Shop clearance sale. And right after hours of drunken ass scanning, I did something useful with it and added 12 new (of Captain America, Daredevil, Superman, Batman, Plastic Man, Iron Man, Spider-Man, and the Penguin) fruit pie ads to the Hostess page. I even reviewed one. Then I played Magic Princess dressup and had a kitty cat birthday party. March 11th, 1999 The Hostess Page is completely redone with new ultra easy navigation frames, huge lotion dispensers, and a convenient staple remover. I've rewritten a lot of the reviews so me and Mr. Fish don't sound so much like idiots, and I, of course, leapt out a plate glass window. March 6th, 1999 Finally put back together the Rosy page, even though I think she left our planet. March 5th, 1999 I compulsively redesigned the front page again. It's now officially considered a small emotional disorder, and is a sign of my impending madness. Just this morning, I found myself in a wheelchair wearing a giant paper mache head, rolling down stairs screaming, "I control your destiny!" Then I hit the bottom and thought I was a whore for a few hours. I only realized there was a strange senator's penis in my mouth after a friend of mine walked past the bus stop and said, "Hey, Seanbaby. Senator." March 4th, 1999 The page dedicated to Joyce now has a collection of icons I made for her favorite games. I added an incestual article about two Indian kids to the News Page, and almost finished building a house of cards before Marsha and Peter chased Tiger through the living room and knocked it over. March 2nd, 1999 I added the original comics code to the Stupid Comics Page for people not exposed to its majesty. The Stupid Page now has a secret bonus section if you can find it, and the fat people in San Francisco are still angry. You can read about them on the News Page. Oh, and I humped a dog. February 22nd, 1999 I spent a few hours making asthetic changes to the front page, fixing typos, meta tags, the hole in the front of my pants from too much rubbing, and I made some meatballs. I also added some very sexy material to the Video Games Page about Atari 2600 porn, and also a small collection of windows icons I made. I make them all the time, so I may eventually have zip files sitting around the place. Febrary 17th, 1999 I started my new job yesterday, so the amount of time I have to spend putting this stupid shit on the web is more limited. However, I still updated the News Page with an article about fat people and one about Canadian art. Two things that need no help from me to look bad. February 14th 1999 Happy Valentine's Day, seductive web surfers. After a relaxing day of fine chocolates, candelit romance, and noisy violent sex, I've added a couple articles to the News Page. February 12th 1999 Added some articles to the News Page about Jesse the Body, Super Bowl advertising, and the STARDUST space probe. February 10th 1999 Some recent events brought to my attention finally inspired me to build the News and Current Events Page I've been thinking about doing for awhile. This one is really easy since the world is so fucked up, the comedy practically writes itself. February 9th 1999 I added the Reader Mail Page featuring some highlights of the input, praise, and psychotic ramblings this page has inspired. February 7th 1999 The Super Friends Page has been completely redone. It's the same characters, it's just not as stupid as it was before. The Joyce Page has now been made into the most adorable and girl empowering pile of estrogen in the history of the internet. She liked it before, but now she makes out with me when I just mention it. Desperado and Dusk Till Dawn were both rewritten and no longer read like an autistic's list of favorite shitty jokes. Tens of hours were spent fixing typos and layout problems on every page. Some minor changes were made on the Other Page, the page about me, and pretty much every other at least a little bit.

From: Melanie Knoedler Hello Sean, I have just remembered the contents of your cool homepage. You're the dude with the freaky hair and the halarious cynical twist in writing. I remember coming across your page because someone complained about it because of four letter words. This is why you eventually got deleted. I am really sorry to have seen your homepage disappear andhope you come back to FC, because you're cool. Just, swearing and stuff isn't allowed under FC guidelines, but I am sure a dude with your wits can somehow sar the cuz words out or think of something else, that wouldn't upset young kids. cya soon, Mel :0)

February 1st 1999 The recent confusion in telecommunications started when my homepage was deleted a few weeks back by Fortune City for offensive language. Of course, I'm guilty if you're bothered by the work "fuck" and don't want to see pictures of my ass waxing rituals. But somehow they ended up being the dicks since they deleted everything without warning. And after I wrote them requesting they remove their heads from one another's asses, they replied with the letter to the left. "Oh! Yeah! You're the cool dude whose page we deleted without telling him! Cool! Just hope you have all your old files and then change your whole page! Okay! Love ya!" It's pretty crazy that this person thought I wouldn't be mad. Not as crazy as her thinking "sar the cuz words" is part of any spoken or written language, though. Everything did work out for the better in the end, and some cool guys at oldmanmurray.com are now hosting my site. But I'm really going to miss those 4 or 5 Furby and Ally McBeal banners that got stuck on my pages by Fortunecity.

I had a friend, Vhoodoo, that wrote them too. Just in case anyone thought Fortune City wasn't a group of retarded children with a room full of computers, this should prove otherwise.

From: Vhoodoo to Fortunecity What happened to the page that was originally there (Seanbaby's Home Page)? The fact that it's suddenly been replaced by a "This Space Reserved" page for some 13 year old Swedish fellow is rather disturbing. I've asked the proprietor of the page that was originally there, and he's just as confused as I am. Hopefully you can answer both our questions.

Hi there! Sorry for the problems that you are having at the moment. If you'd loke to send me ypur username & password, I'll be glad to look into the problem for you/ Regards, Paul B Technical Support

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