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On June 13th, 2000, the American Film Institute had 1800 film experts vote on the 100 Funniest Films of all time. And they fucked up. They came up with a list of movies so unfunny it's better used as a guidebook for making children cry. It was a mess of confusing mistakes, and by the end, the only thing that was clear was that the AFI doesn't like comedy in their comedies. Cliché lovers and doctors dressed as clowns say that laughter is the best medicine. If that's true, then the American Film Institute is trying to kill us. I'm a Comedy Hero trying to bring joy back to America's heart, so I can't let criminal shit like that go unchallenged. But if I was to make a Top 100 funniest films list by myself, it would be made up entirely of spring break movies. That's why I called together an all-star team of Internet film expert humorists for their opinions. They are... Seanbaby.com favorite, Old Man Murray's Erik!, Bad Candy's Mark!, Kthor Jensen from A Short & Happy Life/Portal of Evil, and Scott and Chris from Stomp Tokyo. Together we've called ourselves... The Internet Film Laser Squad. 
Each member compiled their own list of favorites, which were then compiled and averaged into a final list by custom Erik! software, The Calculando Calrissian 2000 (artist's conception: right). We'll go through the list and give you valuable insights to the winners, and then tell you exactly how American Fancy Pants Institute screwed up with their original mistakes.The Calculando Calrissian 2000 assigns a value to a movie depending on its ranking. For example, if a movie is ranked 13th, it translates that into a numerical value such as green. Then a huge inconceivable number is added to that which is immediately subtracted with the charm of a vagina-scented space playboy. This helps us determine how much the number would weigh on the moon. Movies are given an extra penalty for not appearing on another team member's list, and are given bonus weight if someone gave it first place. As you can see, the Calculando Calrissian 2000 is a terrifyingly complicated piece of machinery. It's smarter than us and dangerous, so we left it in the room with all of the spare robot parts and laser guns so we could forget about it. A lot of the choices on the improved list may not officially be categorized as comedies, but that's not our fault. Did you think the industry that produced Batman Forever could be trusted to properly categorize things? Most zombie movies or movies about Vanilla Ice can make you laugh harder on accident than Mel Brooks can during 90 minutes of desperately trying, so members were allowed to select any movie no matter what genre the idiot film industry put it in. For those who are wondering, a movie is only be an official Comedy if it follows one specific criteria: A main character must at least once stand outside a restaurant and be mistaken for a valet parking attendant and given the keys to a super fast red sports car. If you don't see this happen during a movie, you're either not watching a Comedy or you went to the bathroom at the worst possible time. You can tell when a movie is a thriller because all the women have their giant boobs crammed inside tiny shirts, and when they have sex, they keep their panties on and block their lover's view of their nipples with a bed sheet or an elbow. Action movies are defined by someone getting thrown through a fish tank, and you'll know you're watching a drama because your penis will begin to retract into your body in order to escape your tears. More about the Science of Comedy Selection: 
All the films we fed into the Calculando Calrissian 2000 were judged on each member's very subjective views formed by whatever naked pastors warped their childhoods. In addition that that, we were supposed to keep in mind three specific criteria: Quotability Pain, Lasting Appeal, and Laughitudinalness.Quotability Pain rated how much you wanted to kill your friends after they repeated lines from the movie for two straight years. If you're still friends with them, chances are the thing they keep screaming was pretty funny at one time. Lasting Appeal is simple. If you watch a movie once, kind of appreciate it, and have no desire to ever see it again, it doesn't have any. A Top 100 Funniest Movie should be something you almost rent every time you go to the video store. It's not a perfect way to judge a movie, but this rating was to keep people from showing off by including boring obscure intellectual comedies in their list. [It didn't totally work. -ed] For the intricate Laughitudinalness rating, we gave ONE point for every time a movie's joke or gag made us laugh, and took away TWO points every time a joke made us wince or question our will to live. Using this system, you'll find that most [ALL. -ed] Mel Brooks and Leslie Nielsen movies end up with negative numbers. That indicates that they've actually made your life less funny. For the algebra lovers, or fans of the inner workings of the Calculando Calrissian 2000, the formula is shown below in its entirety. The Bill Murray in Party Hat represents the number of good jokes, and the Mel Brooks Dressed as Indian represents the number of jokes that make our insides sad.  |
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